Clearly its been a year since my last blogpost.
There's good reason for that I suppose.
I have underwent a lot of changes since then. I'm much older, wiser, and mature... and just overall way different. I am starting to question who I am on a much deeper level and it is scaring me to the point that I decided to act out of character today and not attend class at a school that I am paying for.
Again, I have no idea if anyone will actually read this, but I just felt like I needed to tell someone.
Emotional outbursts that I have experienced 6 years ago have resurfaced and upon confiding these feelings to someone who was there, I feel a mix of confusion, regret, and embarrassment.
Confusion- because it was brought to my attention as to why I am experiencing these totally valid human emotions.
Regret- because I am confiding these things to a person whom I wanted to keep distance with and not overburden my problems with and who I perceive to be too young to understand.
Embarrassment- because it just doesn't save face and makes me look foolish and stupid, with me further admitting it over and over again.
I also do not like how honest this blog post has become and how lack of sugarcoating it has. I would also say how uncomfortable I am emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. My deltoids and lower back are really sore due to yesterday's movement class, a lot of cardio and a lot of yoga that I am not simply used to anymore.
Anyways, I am writing you, Strawberry Avalanche, because of feeling like I have nowhere else to turn to. I am stressed and overwhelmed and my perception is constantly changing where I seek something constant in my life and also seek something outside of the bounds. I am not sure as a person who to talk to about this or how to possibly deal with this because I am still confused, regretful, and embarrassed about everything. I don't know what I can possibly do right now except for pray and hope for the best. Hopefully tomorrow will be better as I recover from all these things that are going on in my life.
I just have to remind myself who I am. I am smart, I am kind, I am wonderful, and a blessing to others. Positive affirmations always go a long way.
Yet I still feel so warped in a reality that I don't know I can trust just yet.
Today in my recovery day I should just keep going. Clean up my act, review my lines for Friday, and review my lines for tomorrow. But I just feel like I can't keep up with all these roles anymore.
Of a girl who is struggling to take care of herself all the time, be a good housemate, be a fabulous stylist, be a great classmate, on-top-of-her-game student, normal friend, singer-songwriter, actor (who plays legitimately at least 10 different characters all week), good church member, a good daughter. I just don't know if I can keep up this act anymore, it's driving me absolutely nuts that my mind is all jumbled. Like really, what can my current friends possibly do to help me? What can my family members possibly do to help me? What can I do to help me?
There's only one person who I can confidently turn to, so why haven't I yet? Jesus? Yep.
Apologies to the readers if this post doesn't make any sense. I'll call it my first ever "Adult" post. Because it is true, it is my first post as a true adult.
So welcome to adulthood, sweetheart. I hope you enjoy the ride that is this Confusion Avalanche.
P.S. Today I have decided to cut off all contact with everyone I know. This sounds mad. It is mad. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
