My body clock woke me up at 6am, before my alarm at 6:15am. I stayed in bed for a half an hour longer as I felt I wasn't used to being awake at this time. After I recovered, at 6:45am I got up and started prepping my apple cider vinegar shot and my lemon water as I took my Silicon + Collagen shot. I washed my face and got refreshed. I started making my Beet Latte with probiotics after that, then my oatmeal with avocado and boiled egg + moringa + cayenne pepper for taste. I felt really good being productive first thing in the morning without being interrupted by chatty conversations and feeling like I had to pretend to be someone else. It was nice being myself for a change. I felt like it was something to share about on this blog, something that I am proud of doing and being for once. I read a bit of my Bible, specifically Proverbs 9, as it is March 9, 2019 today. I also read my parents email about how they love me and how reassured it made me felt that they were willing to support me as long as God is the center. That made me think about how I can glorify God in my life & what changes I need to do to make that happen. That will be my question I will think about for the rest of the day. How can I do it in my workplace, my career, my relationships, with how I live. I want to be constantly thinking about how I can glorify Him in everything. Because that is me, and that is who I am and who I want to be - a woman of God- a woman of praise and a woman of worth and of love.
Having these couple days with a break from the world in the evening have been amazing. Being in bed by 9pm and sleeping by 10pm- man, I think it is doing wonders for my skin. And having this time in the morning to read, self reflect, make something, and just be prepared overall is the best feeling ever. I don't feel particularly rushed or exhausted because I was able to get proper rest. I am feeling like myself again. Interacting with people I care about, taking the time to help others, prioritizing what is important in my life and actually making a plan to do it, and finding the time to rest. I feel like I am actually doing my 15minutes of morning pages now- something that I've been wanting to do since I moved here. I am actually doing it! And that is worthy of celebrating.
I am grateful for many things. I am grateful for God, who loves me and who looks out for me. I am grateful for my family and my friends. I am grateful for the ability to pay rent downtown and the ability to work my multiple jobs at a luxury high performance Gym, representing a nutritional health store/smoothie bar at their locations and events, being able to represent other brands and help them win, and also being able to work on set- even in the background for now. It makes me happy to make time in the morning to write, to read, to clean, to stretch even. To be able to do this kind of thing is great.
Today's intention is to bask in gratitude. To be grateful for all that I have today and all that I went through to be here. And to also think about how I can glorify God in my everyday life. I am excited for what this day will bring, especially this evening after work, which I get the opportunity to organize and get things done. I hope to play a little bit of music before bedtime tonight as well. Because it is bedtime by 9/10pm and the goal is to wake up early in the morning and to go to the gym before church! Then work again!
Speaking off, better scurry so I can make a boxing workout!
Yours truly,
J
Saturday, March 9, 2019
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
Conflict
Why can't we just live in a world where everyone accepts each other for who they are?
Why must the difference between religion, gender, and race make things so complicated whenever there's a conflict?
The past few days I've had to experience this kind of conflict. Although not to the extremes, I can still feel the tension and the internal battle between these differences.
Why can't two different beliefs find love?
Why can't two different sexes be friends?
And why can't two different cultures or races go out in public together?
What is wrong with these differences?
Please comment below and tell me. Why.
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
Honest Fears & Returning Here
I find myself returning here whenever I feel alone.
How can someone with so many "friends" and know so many "people" and have so many people who "love & care" for them feel this lonesome?
"Message me if you ever need to talk," "Call me if you need me," - are just a couple of phrases that I often hear from people who claim to be there.
I get it- I'm an adult. People have their own thing to do and can't always be there or check on me. But usually these are the times I feel the most loneliest. When I feel like there's no one there to check on me or make sure I'm okay.
"I'm busy" is honestly just an excuse because one will make time for the people they care about most.
Quite frankly, I am scared to reach out to people. Maybe I'm also scared they'll think I'm crazy. Maybe I'm just insecure that eventually they won't be there anymore and will fade away. Maybe I just love too much.
Maybe I just don't think I can reach out to certain people because of all the above.
Truth is I don't know if I can open up myself to the hurt again, because every time I trust- it eventually just ends up ending like everything else.
I guess I feel hurt. I don't know exactly how to communicate my needs- because as much as I hate to admit it, I hate feeling needy. I'd rather feel needed. And lately, I don't feel needed at all. And it sucks. It sucks having this much love to give and not reciprocated.
It's a double edged sword honestly.
Party A loves Party B. Party A loves Party B too much and Party B takes Party A for granted.
Age old formula that happens time and time again.
I would know. I've lived it. Been Party B for most of my life. And now am turning into Party freaking A. And being Party freaking A sucks.
On another note,
Everything reminds me of my parents. And I hate it. And I wish to escape it. But I can't.
Because for some reason, it all keeps coming back to them. I feel haunted. Is it because of guilt?
Is it because of love? Is it because of obligation? Responsibility? What? Because I don't freaking know.
On another note,
How am I possibly to open up to someone about this kind of thing when no one is freaking available to be there for me when I need someone the most? I'm constantly scared of screwing things up because I know for a fact that actions speak louder than words and so far actions freaking don't match up. I'm scared that I am overreacting and this whole thing will just blow up like it always does but I really really really don't want it to.
So I'm walking on egg-shells. Trying to be careful. Mainly because I've been so reckless with my actions. So I'm walking on thin ice because earlier, I jumped too much and everything just started to crack.
So please.
Maybe just tell me it's alright. That I'm alright. That we're alright.
Because I am insecure. Because I am scared. And because despite everything that was said and done, I still feel alone.
Signing off,
J.
How can someone with so many "friends" and know so many "people" and have so many people who "love & care" for them feel this lonesome?
"Message me if you ever need to talk," "Call me if you need me," - are just a couple of phrases that I often hear from people who claim to be there.
I get it- I'm an adult. People have their own thing to do and can't always be there or check on me. But usually these are the times I feel the most loneliest. When I feel like there's no one there to check on me or make sure I'm okay.
"I'm busy" is honestly just an excuse because one will make time for the people they care about most.
Quite frankly, I am scared to reach out to people. Maybe I'm also scared they'll think I'm crazy. Maybe I'm just insecure that eventually they won't be there anymore and will fade away. Maybe I just love too much.
Maybe I just don't think I can reach out to certain people because of all the above.
Truth is I don't know if I can open up myself to the hurt again, because every time I trust- it eventually just ends up ending like everything else.
I guess I feel hurt. I don't know exactly how to communicate my needs- because as much as I hate to admit it, I hate feeling needy. I'd rather feel needed. And lately, I don't feel needed at all. And it sucks. It sucks having this much love to give and not reciprocated.
It's a double edged sword honestly.
Party A loves Party B. Party A loves Party B too much and Party B takes Party A for granted.
Age old formula that happens time and time again.
I would know. I've lived it. Been Party B for most of my life. And now am turning into Party freaking A. And being Party freaking A sucks.
On another note,
Everything reminds me of my parents. And I hate it. And I wish to escape it. But I can't.
Because for some reason, it all keeps coming back to them. I feel haunted. Is it because of guilt?
Is it because of love? Is it because of obligation? Responsibility? What? Because I don't freaking know.
On another note,
How am I possibly to open up to someone about this kind of thing when no one is freaking available to be there for me when I need someone the most? I'm constantly scared of screwing things up because I know for a fact that actions speak louder than words and so far actions freaking don't match up. I'm scared that I am overreacting and this whole thing will just blow up like it always does but I really really really don't want it to.
So I'm walking on egg-shells. Trying to be careful. Mainly because I've been so reckless with my actions. So I'm walking on thin ice because earlier, I jumped too much and everything just started to crack.
So please.
Maybe just tell me it's alright. That I'm alright. That we're alright.
Because I am insecure. Because I am scared. And because despite everything that was said and done, I still feel alone.
Signing off,
J.
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