Normal update

After a long and tiring day, I end up on my bed hoping for a brighter tomorrow. 
But seriously, this morning's workout was intense.  Then I rehearsed and memorized 3 songs with a sore throat,  and then travelled an hour to my audition, and then actually auditioned, got the job, drove back an hour to watch a musical, and then had a great huge birthday dinner with my family.

Highlight of the day was probably changing from my DC shoes into my high heel brown boots while riding an escalator. It was both a reckless, clumsy, and ratchet move for me. Yet oddly satisfying when I successfully switched footwear right before we reached the top. 

xx NIGHT

Daydreams

I've felt that I've always spent copious amount of times away from with whom I thought were my closest friends.  I get to the point where I miss them so much I wish we were in the same country at least and not timezones away like it always is.

Then I start to come up with scenarios in my head absolutely randomly. Like suddenly I'm imagining a scenario where we're at a party and I know exactly what they're going to say and what I'm going to say in response and what's going to happen.  Even though it's never actually happened in real life. My imagination eh?

This actually hasn't  happened in a while since I've tried to suppress my imagination this past year. But now it randomly happened again while I'm at the dentist.  I must be doing something right I think now that I feel I have actual thoughts running through my mind. 

Before, whenever  I would daydream I couldn't imagine myself ever stopping because I felt like it was a part of me.  And then i realized that hardly anyone I know does this and I suddenly felt out of place and abnormal as opposed to how proud I was to have this ability.  And I wanted it to stop.  And when it did,  I wanted it back again. And it didn't come back until today. 

It must be all the movies I've started watching again. Or maybe it's because I suddenly feel like I have friends again.

The thing is.  Whenever I meet someone new, I remember them and I pay attention to a lot of details.  It's kind of creepy how much I begin to know about them when we first meet.  Or maybe I'm just making this up.  Yup probably the latter. 

Can't blame me though.  Im typing all of this while I'm sitting on a dentist chair and some dentist lady is inserting a device that looks very much like a glue gun in my mouth.

Definately the creepiest thing somehting has ever happened to me this summer is having a piece of glass inserted in my mouth.  Potential crime scene.  But that's just my imagination  running wild again.

I do admit.  It's nice having you back,  Imagination.  It's making me have hope in myself again.  And that hasn't happened in a while either.

Pardon me, reader, I've actually have gotten off in a tangent from my title...
Or have I since I'm daydreaming of you reading this? :)

To be continued...

Thought of the day

"Damn, you fascinate me."

Photographs

Click. 

They say that photographs capture the moments and preserve the memories that you don't want to forget. I say,  sometimes they bring back emotions you don't want to remember. 

While looking for an acceptable photograph to find for mothers day,  I accidentally stumbled across a folder hidden within a folder that was buried under more folders.  That hidden secret folder contained photographs of happy memories of myself and someone in the past.  A whole entire album from years ago. Usually when one comes across photos of such, they are delighted. Well, it must've been the my state of mind and the time of day mixed together that caused a flood of emotions coming rushing right back. In this case,  I consider this flood closer to a natural disaster. 

It's late.  And I feel frustrated.  And I see those photographs again.  And I remember. But I want to forget I ever saw those pictures.  A part of me wanted to just delete those photos so I can be strong. so I can move on.  I thought I had because I was doing so well.  But then I remembered how much I loved you. And then I remembered how much I cared.  And then I remembered how much you weren't there.  And I remembered how you slowly stopped trying. And then completely stopped all together. My eyes sting.

Then another part of me wanted to keep them. Because they're good memories I want to hold onto.  Or maybe just to further rub salt in the wound.

Photographs.  They definately trigger emotions. Even the happiest of moments can trigger pain. Tonight, anyways. 

Is there a word for missing someone so much that it hurts and also knowing that they don't miss you at all and don't even have you in their mind?

No? Well good.  No one should have to define that pain anyways. 

Click.

  

Je cherche

I fiddled with the pages of the books on the shelves, wondering which one would be worth reading. I glanced briefly, or so I would like to think, at the mirror to my right. I combed my hair with my fingers, neatly arranging it. I adjusted my shirt and tightened the plaid button-up I tied around my waist. I wore blue shorts and completed the outfit with my worn down favourite black boots. I smiled to myself, ‘my boots are dying.’ The front edge of the shoes looks like they’re about to rip and fall apart any second. I shrugged, ‘They’re still hella classy and I wouldn’t have it any other way.’ I checked my phone once more, continually attempting to get a connection to the internet. I walked around the first floor, wondering where he was. I jokingly checked the magazine section, chuckling to myself, a joke only I would understand. After 5 minutes, I decided that maybe I would explore upstairs while waiting and therefore convinced myself that I was thirsty as an excuse to further feed my sense of adventure in the store. I stepped on the escalator and ascended to the 2^nd floor. I was greeted with shelves of children’s books. My lips curved in a nostalgic grin as I remembered being so enticed by these books. As I passed various hard and soft covers alike, the moment had passed and I continued my venture up the next escalator to the 3^rd floor. I looked down at my phone again, still trying to get a connection. I turned to my right and looked up. I felt my face begin to beam as I turned around and looked forward. It was all too perfect. There he was. I quickly looked down on the ground and bit my lip trying to hold in my happiness. As much as I don’t like to admit, I loved seeing the guy, and I don’t think that very often about people. I regained my composure in a millisecond, even though the thoughts that whirred through my mind felt like years. I look up from the ground, straightened my posture and modeled a cool grin. You know, my type of smile when one side of my lip curls up and my eyes work their magic, complimenting my pouty lips—or something like that. He stood there with a huge smile on his face; I couldn’t help but reciprocate the expression.  He had his hands in his tan short pockets while maintaining a coolish posture. He wore a button-up polka dot dress shirt, and clean blue shoes. His face was equally beaming like I was.  I snapped my phone case, closing it, and slipped my phone in my back pocket.  I walked towards him.  “Were you looking for me?” he asked. I felt myself freezing at his question. Yes would’ve been the right answer, the honest answer. But instead, the words “No, I was thirsty,” slipped out. I mentally face palmed myself to make up for it. He was still smiling at me, ignoring what I had just said. I bit my lip, smiled back, and at that moment I realized that I found what I was looking for.