Monday, October 16, 2017
What's the Point
What is the point of it all if you don't have anyone to share it with. When the people whom you love are so far away from you and you barely see them it feels like your heart is shattered into a million pieces. What's the point when you don't know who to tell your dreams, your fears, and your achievements with. What's the point if you're just going to be all alone. What's the point if you feel like nobody really knows who you are. What's the point if you keep moving and going places. What's the point if all you see is strangers. What's the point if everybody is just selfish.
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Division
So my parents just left Vancouver, the place I'm currently residing. I suddenly felt a wave of sadness overcome me. I felt very empty and wanted a longing for companionship, even though I consider myself a very independent person. This month would be considered a month of joy. Because it is about new beginnings, refocusing, restructuring, endings, and the like. And I say this because I just turned 21, graduated from an intense program, and moved out of a place I didn't like and into a new one. Everything right now should be perfect and idyllic, but instead I find myself circling back to the same place I was long time ago- feeling lonely, isolated, and back writing to this ever faithful blog that is the Strawberry Avalanche. Writing to you, still wondering if there is anyone out there willing to read these stories. Stories of pure passion, joy, sadness, fear, and anger. Stories of intense emotion, and lovely little anecdotes.
I still feel like my heart is being ripped into a million pieces. Wondering why the people I truly love are so far away, and the people I don't care about are so near. Did I do this to myself for fear of losing people I care about? I don't even know why I put myself in these types of situations. Facing the truth really sucks, and I can see why a ton of people avoid it. They avoid facing the truth of themselves to probably avoid feeling these sucky feelings I'm currently feeling.
Anyways, I'm sorry dear readers if this blog post isn't as story-like as I usually write. I just really needed to get my emotions out in the open. I'm a very different person than who I was years ago in a very different place- more candid and honest. I'm not quite sure if this is the person I would like to be. But I am working on progressing and moving forward now. Moving forward from the things I cannot change and letting go. Moving towards not being divided in what I am called to do or with where I am, or being divided with family. There will be a time when everything will finally come together. It is my hope to find togetherness and love.
There will be a time where I will be able to put my writings, media skills, acting skills, and everything into one. And that time will come very soon- I can feel it happening. :)
signing off,
the strawberry avalanche girl
I still feel like my heart is being ripped into a million pieces. Wondering why the people I truly love are so far away, and the people I don't care about are so near. Did I do this to myself for fear of losing people I care about? I don't even know why I put myself in these types of situations. Facing the truth really sucks, and I can see why a ton of people avoid it. They avoid facing the truth of themselves to probably avoid feeling these sucky feelings I'm currently feeling.
Anyways, I'm sorry dear readers if this blog post isn't as story-like as I usually write. I just really needed to get my emotions out in the open. I'm a very different person than who I was years ago in a very different place- more candid and honest. I'm not quite sure if this is the person I would like to be. But I am working on progressing and moving forward now. Moving forward from the things I cannot change and letting go. Moving towards not being divided in what I am called to do or with where I am, or being divided with family. There will be a time when everything will finally come together. It is my hope to find togetherness and love.
There will be a time where I will be able to put my writings, media skills, acting skills, and everything into one. And that time will come very soon- I can feel it happening. :)
signing off,
the strawberry avalanche girl
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Confusion Avalanche
Clearly its been a year since my last blogpost.
There's good reason for that I suppose.
I have underwent a lot of changes since then. I'm much older, wiser, and mature... and just overall way different. I am starting to question who I am on a much deeper level and it is scaring me to the point that I decided to act out of character today and not attend class at a school that I am paying for.
Again, I have no idea if anyone will actually read this, but I just felt like I needed to tell someone.
Emotional outbursts that I have experienced 6 years ago have resurfaced and upon confiding these feelings to someone who was there, I feel a mix of confusion, regret, and embarrassment.
Confusion- because it was brought to my attention as to why I am experiencing these totally valid human emotions.
Regret- because I am confiding these things to a person whom I wanted to keep distance with and not overburden my problems with and who I perceive to be too young to understand.
Embarrassment- because it just doesn't save face and makes me look foolish and stupid, with me further admitting it over and over again.
I also do not like how honest this blog post has become and how lack of sugarcoating it has. I would also say how uncomfortable I am emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. My deltoids and lower back are really sore due to yesterday's movement class, a lot of cardio and a lot of yoga that I am not simply used to anymore.
Anyways, I am writing you, Strawberry Avalanche, because of feeling like I have nowhere else to turn to. I am stressed and overwhelmed and my perception is constantly changing where I seek something constant in my life and also seek something outside of the bounds. I am not sure as a person who to talk to about this or how to possibly deal with this because I am still confused, regretful, and embarrassed about everything. I don't know what I can possibly do right now except for pray and hope for the best. Hopefully tomorrow will be better as I recover from all these things that are going on in my life.
I just have to remind myself who I am. I am smart, I am kind, I am wonderful, and a blessing to others. Positive affirmations always go a long way.
Yet I still feel so warped in a reality that I don't know I can trust just yet.
Today in my recovery day I should just keep going. Clean up my act, review my lines for Friday, and review my lines for tomorrow. But I just feel like I can't keep up with all these roles anymore.
Of a girl who is struggling to take care of herself all the time, be a good housemate, be a fabulous stylist, be a great classmate, on-top-of-her-game student, normal friend, singer-songwriter, actor (who plays legitimately at least 10 different characters all week), good church member, a good daughter. I just don't know if I can keep up this act anymore, it's driving me absolutely nuts that my mind is all jumbled. Like really, what can my current friends possibly do to help me? What can my family members possibly do to help me? What can I do to help me?
There's only one person who I can confidently turn to, so why haven't I yet? Jesus? Yep.
Apologies to the readers if this post doesn't make any sense. I'll call it my first ever "Adult" post. Because it is true, it is my first post as a true adult.
So welcome to adulthood, sweetheart. I hope you enjoy the ride that is this Confusion Avalanche.
P.S. Today I have decided to cut off all contact with everyone I know. This sounds mad. It is mad. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
There's good reason for that I suppose.
I have underwent a lot of changes since then. I'm much older, wiser, and mature... and just overall way different. I am starting to question who I am on a much deeper level and it is scaring me to the point that I decided to act out of character today and not attend class at a school that I am paying for.
Again, I have no idea if anyone will actually read this, but I just felt like I needed to tell someone.
Emotional outbursts that I have experienced 6 years ago have resurfaced and upon confiding these feelings to someone who was there, I feel a mix of confusion, regret, and embarrassment.
Confusion- because it was brought to my attention as to why I am experiencing these totally valid human emotions.
Regret- because I am confiding these things to a person whom I wanted to keep distance with and not overburden my problems with and who I perceive to be too young to understand.
Embarrassment- because it just doesn't save face and makes me look foolish and stupid, with me further admitting it over and over again.
I also do not like how honest this blog post has become and how lack of sugarcoating it has. I would also say how uncomfortable I am emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. My deltoids and lower back are really sore due to yesterday's movement class, a lot of cardio and a lot of yoga that I am not simply used to anymore.
Anyways, I am writing you, Strawberry Avalanche, because of feeling like I have nowhere else to turn to. I am stressed and overwhelmed and my perception is constantly changing where I seek something constant in my life and also seek something outside of the bounds. I am not sure as a person who to talk to about this or how to possibly deal with this because I am still confused, regretful, and embarrassed about everything. I don't know what I can possibly do right now except for pray and hope for the best. Hopefully tomorrow will be better as I recover from all these things that are going on in my life.
I just have to remind myself who I am. I am smart, I am kind, I am wonderful, and a blessing to others. Positive affirmations always go a long way.
Yet I still feel so warped in a reality that I don't know I can trust just yet.
Today in my recovery day I should just keep going. Clean up my act, review my lines for Friday, and review my lines for tomorrow. But I just feel like I can't keep up with all these roles anymore.
Of a girl who is struggling to take care of herself all the time, be a good housemate, be a fabulous stylist, be a great classmate, on-top-of-her-game student, normal friend, singer-songwriter, actor (who plays legitimately at least 10 different characters all week), good church member, a good daughter. I just don't know if I can keep up this act anymore, it's driving me absolutely nuts that my mind is all jumbled. Like really, what can my current friends possibly do to help me? What can my family members possibly do to help me? What can I do to help me?
There's only one person who I can confidently turn to, so why haven't I yet? Jesus? Yep.
Apologies to the readers if this post doesn't make any sense. I'll call it my first ever "Adult" post. Because it is true, it is my first post as a true adult.
So welcome to adulthood, sweetheart. I hope you enjoy the ride that is this Confusion Avalanche.
P.S. Today I have decided to cut off all contact with everyone I know. This sounds mad. It is mad. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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