wonder.

One of the weirdest things to me is how off course we as people get sometimes.
Looking at the title of this blog, suddenly reminds me of why I started it. And just looking back at the course of life made me think. It made me really really think. Reasons change, things change all the time, and that is what makes me wonder.

The feeling of change feels brand new like a new shirt that one buys and wears it for the first time. But after some time, the shirt will just be a shirt to you and you'll get the feeling of "being used to it."

It gets so familiar to you that one might often ignore or hardly pay attention to it anymore and becomes just a daily routine of life. It starts to lose its meaning.

Some other thing that made me think is what value things have. The value of objects, places, or people. The amount of value one puts in things. Do we really value them? Do we show that we value them?

There are so many questions to ask and so many unanswered.

I realize this things and maybe sometimes we get lucky. Or rather, blessed like manna from heaven.
It is positively mind blowing to me. How something at one point in life could mean so much and then maybe at another point could mean so little.

What do you value today?

Let it Rain

"If there was always a roof over the ground every time it would rain, then I believe nothing would grow."

The rain was created for a specific purpose, and it should not ever be afraid to fall.
If it never does fall, it would just be hanging onto the atmosphere, and eventually forgotten.

-Jaenna.

One.

My eyebrows furrowed in frustration and disbelief. I know that I can do this, I know I can. I've done harder, I've done better. So why can't I do it? These thoughts are incessantly ringing in my mind, being startlingly haunted.

Instead I shook my head ignoring those thoughts. I must finish the task. Yellow, Blue, Blue, Green. I carefully configured the correct wiring to their proper inputs. Red, Blue, Red, Black. Sweat beads trailed down my face unto the glossy silver table. I tried not to breathe in too heavily knowing about the fumes that permeated the room. Blue, Black, Red. My heart accelerated as I strove to work faster, alerted by tick-tocking of the clock. The last wire. Red-- My throat contracted.

It was the wrong wire.

Writing Time

It's writing time oh its writing time!

Hello readers!

It's been too long. Wayyyy too long. 

I wonder if there is still any of you out there? :P

Sorry for my long and doleful absence. I admit, I haven't had much inspiration lately or any stories to tell... but in fact I do have a lot.

Lately, life has been a rollercoaster. It decided to suddenly speed up, up, up, and then drop rapidly almost breaking the sound barrier. 

I was listening to the Saltwater Room today, helping my classmate with his birthday present for his girlfriend (aww, how sweet), and sung the lyrics, "Time together isn't ever quite enough."

It made me realize, that time, really isn't ever quite enough. It's very limited.

And during that time that we have, we have to make the most of it. Life is short, why waste it on being sad alll the time? Why waste your tears on something that will only bring you down instead of saving the waterfall for something completely and utterly out of this world?
And since that is so, why waste it doing something that you do not have to do or doing what you do not love?

Just a thought to ponder on.

As well, if you don't already know, Owl City's new album is out! The Midsummer Station is just wonderful :)

New album, new time, new adventures, new daydreams!

And just so you know, I get a lot of my daydreams from Owl City songs :) 

Just wanted to have a little update on this blog :) The Strawberry Avalanche.

I admit, this blog contains a myriad of different things and covers a load of diverse topics.

I'll soon update my description and list them soon, but not yet, as it shall be for you to explore :)

With Love,

a strawberry avalancher.

Cause I walk alone no matter where I go.

I'm tired of waking up in tears,
'Cause I can't put to bed these phobias and fears
I'm new to this grief I can't explain;
But I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain.

The fire I began, is burning me alive
But I know better than to leave and let it die
I'm a Silhouette asking every now and then
Is it over yet? Will I ever feel again?
I'm a Silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home

'Cause I walk alone, no matter where I go
'Cause I walk alone, no matter where I go
'Cause I walk alone, no matter where I go

I'm a Silhouette asking every now and then
Is it over yet? Will I ever love again?
I'm a Silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home
I watch the summer stars to lead me home



Lyrics by Owl City.
"Silhouette"

Presage by J.J.

A systematic overdose,
I won't let that come near.
The process of your mind is faltering,
As it strengthens my lively fear.

An Original Poem by J.J.

Don't mind me for being so meek,
I assure you that this is very rare.
Holding back on all the quantities,
I know, that I assure my dear.

Enough of being a simpleton,
it is unappreciated, I concur.
But the rest is up to you to carry that deceitfulness,
Hatred, and trading your demure.

Everything that seems just right,
I can say without hesitation that it is not enough.
For you, well that may be,
But that just proves the tough.

In reality, I can say that you have no right to speak
The lesson to think or hear.
Rambling on and about to build up the stress;
In fact, it is just unclear.

I am at bay of the shore,
and you are behind the shadows underneath.
If there was a sudden quake, you'd close the door
And make sure I am at stake.

This may be undecided,
but for now I must say.
That whatever it is you manage with that trickery.
You won't get away.

What if you have no choice to do what you do not love because you cannot do what you love and what makes you happy? It's too late to turn back. And if you turn back you'll have to start all over again. Because you took for granted what you had. And now its gone.

Questioning everything.

Mm.

I think of all those times. All those times I'll never get back.
It's funny how my writing has evolved from dreams and stories into this ventilation system for sorrow and it's thoughts.

I wish I could go back to those times.

Something is not right. It never feels right. I feel like I am in the wrong place. In the wrong time.

The people who I would talk to 2 years ago constantly and everyday, those I would share my deepest and darkest thoughts with, those random moments in where they would share the laughter with me and always know how I feel.... Now I don't even see them or talk to them.


But believe me. I do try to engage in the conversation. Quite frankly, it's usually always me trying to get that back and starting the well shortened chit chat that would only last a breath long. Their breath long.


No reply. No response. No encounter.

It's like I've been stuck in time while the rest of the world grows. They grow older and older until they turn to dust and are no more.

I'm only a child. As I'd like to believe. So innocent. So unknowing of what is going on. The things I've done right or wrong. The things I've done in general.

But then again I know of many. And keep that hidden away from the world. Supposedly in wisdom. Or is it fear?

Nah I'm sure it's not of fear. I mean, it was as it is isn't it?

Another attempt of conversation again to be only shut down.

And I know well enough of how good these things turn out.

Try again tomorrow then.

Hardness

Frustration. Reluctance. Stubbornness.

Hardness in heart.

Once I get this out it usually releases.

But it comes back again.

----

Every time I try. Every time I understand.

----

It never works. It never does.

----

You can get mad at me all you want or disagree but I am certain that you do this too.

----

You just don't see it as I don't.
And I don't think we can ever fully understand.

----

But I am angry.

----

And, well. I cannot do anything about it.

Nostalgia

It is amazing how much things can change over the years.

i find Myself suddenly struggling.
back then, before I had it all figured out. and now, it seems different and becauSe of trying to go beyond myself, i have only inStead held myself back.

maYbe if i gO back, then i woUld be able to go beyond myself.

Soon

I shall not leave and depart like this.

I thought and thought it over and thought that I had figured it all out when in reality, I have not yet.
When I thought that I already have the entire puzzle, the picture visible, and in my possession... when really, I don't.

New pieces keep appearing, that keep transforming and altering the picture. Every time that happens, it is not anymore just a picture of a cloud, but it changes, possibly to a picture of the sky.
Who knows how big it will be. How much it will expand.

I for sure do not, cannot, and will not know until the very end.

For now, maybe I will just paint. And imagine.

Even though I do not know the bigger picture. I know I will soon. And who knows when soon will be?

change

It's amazing how things can change in just one second.

Unfortunate

A large chunk of regret is protruding deep inside my mind.

I suppose I know I should have acted with more discernment and should not have let my... condition act for me. But what is done is done and I am not able to take it back even though I wish I could.

Today one sentence that was said has spoken to me the most and had possibly a major impact on my thinking. Gah, I've done it again, I've realized. How could that be possible?

I thought I had learned, but in reality I have not yet aquired the knowledge that I must obtain in order to actually apply it into movement.

It must be because I am still getting used to it. Oh rebuke that statement. I can never get used to things despite the conditions. I should know by now that I shouldn't and should just look to the future because I know that what is right now is not forever.

So should I just simply forget about it?

Well, obviously the answer is: No, you should not forget about this mistake or Yes, just move on and try to make things better.

But unfortunately, making things better requires a longer amount of time. And again, unfortunately, I do not have quite a lengthy amount of time. *Le sigh*

Try to make the best of it I guess. I screwed up once, I survived. I am screwing up again, and well, we'll see what goes on from here.

Is this what they call it?

They laugh and ridicule me, not aware that what they're saying is not helping in the least bit as I face the most difficult task of my life. I try to hold in my tears, but I can't help it... they all of a sudden come out of my eyes, like a fast river rushing rapidly out of a dam that has been standing past its due date.

Everything, as you know, comes out from the build up of staying strong for too long. I try to block the thoughts from my mind, but they keep coming and coming.
Their words have cut me more than a thousand sharp knives that would be coming all at once. I hear one more remark and bam, like a pounding hammer-- it hits my heart just like that.

I'll try not to say too much. In fact, I may already have.

I brought it onto myself... always stuck in the daydream state. Always too happy, always looking forward to the future, flying through the breeze like a kite and taking it day by day like how I thought you're supposed to.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe that, that state I was in was when I was so naive was not even far behind me yet.

When you finally realize  and know that it is not always going to turn out how you dream or thought it would be... well, it's that breaking point isn't it? Or perhaps it's not?

My inner self is fighting against the world. As of now... it seems like everybody else is winning.

I'm so pitiful... sad. Why am I like this? Stop attacking me, you devil! Please stop.

They're watching me as I probably have turned into a dying sun. So once full of brightness and shine, is now gone. The beams fade away, the fire burned out, the glory is no more.
I feel minuscule.

Sort of ironic how you can feel so lonely when you're in a room full of people.
Well, that is how I feel right now... I have absolutely no idea who to turn to.

Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I should stop trying to do everything by myself.
They say I'm smart. Has it gone all to my head? I'm not sure... but has it?

Well the time has come to admit.... I can't do it. All. By. Myself.

The tears don't sting so much now... I don't really want anything....

Well maybe one thing.

Help.

The only problem is: I can't bring myself to ask for it.

Been on my mind lately.

If I’m louder, would you see me?
Would you let me lay down
In your arms and rescue me?
‘Cause we are the same
You save me...
When you leave it’s gone again.

And when I see you on the street,
Her in your arms, I get weak.
My body fails, I’m on my knees,
Prayin’...

When you open your arms and hold her close tonight,
It just won’t feel right.
‘Cause I can love you more than this.
When you lay her down,
I might just die inside.
It just don’t feel right.
‘Cause I can love you more than this.




~

Heart drops...

Heart drops.

Thunder shakes.

I don't know if I can ever awake

from this nightmare

that keeps overtaking me

and scratching the record of my symphony.

Why oh why.

Does it always go wrong

once I start to sing

a wonderful song

the staff explodes

causing the lines to break

and quake

under the earth, and my heart

causing it to ache

It's maddening, frustrating

hurtful, I feel like it's deafening

this silence

is so loud that its killing me

like a bullet shot through me

I'm torn.

I'm worn.

Like a million clothes that have been

there, tried, and adorn.

In the end they rip and break.

My world starts to shake.

The cymbals start to clang

louder and louder they go.

It breaks my eardrums

like my heart, oh don't they know?

Already how much sadness I'm feeling.

They screech at me and I can't help but feel pity.

In tantalizing anguish,

I let out a small weak cry,

"Oh woe!"

And nobody knows it

because I'm forced to keep

a happy face, instead of being able to weep

because if I cry, or shout or scream

everything will shatter

like glass that would break

or like inception, in a dream.

I can't.

I'm having such a hard time,

keeping a smile

standing tall, proud,

a star being forced to shine.

Because if I tell you the truth,

well you would obviously know

things won't seem clear or clean

but instead darken

like the heavy ridden slush

instead of the white blanket of snow.

I feel like her now,

well I usually do

always taking the role

of some wispy thin strands

when I know you.

But yet you go, to the thick

and luscious hair.

I'll stand by then.

Stop and stare.

Nothing can help this,

nothing I say.

Why can't God help me?
Whenever I pray.

No matter how hard I try,

I get always pushed down

like the kid that I used to be

bullied, on the playground.

I thought it was over,

yet it still goes on.

Like a haunted house,

haunting thoughts,

haunting songs

They don't know that

tears come down my face all the time.
They don't know because if I show it,

well I... I'll pretend they're not mine.

I can't help but go on

even though this poem is quite long

hurtful words have been said

and are still going on.

Tape plastered on my mouth,

chains wrapped my hands behind my back.

When will the time come

when they cut me some slack?

No wonder it happens, no wonder I see

why those kids and those people end up on the streets.

No wonder they do that, no wonder they fall.

Because it all starts from where you think,

the mindset, the on going brawl.

But I'm better than that,

I won't let that happen.

No matter how much it rains

to cause my heart to dampen.

I promise I won't ever end up like you.

I'll keep in mind what I'll never be

and what I'll always be and what

I can and cannot do.

Because everyone has a choice.

And this is mine.

Although right now at this time

I feel weak and can't seem to move

I won't yet break

no matter how much you don't believe in me

Well, that's what I'll prove.

I'm weak... no I'm strong.

I'll just keep holding on.

I won't, I won't ever give in!!!!

Oh you devil, you seek to destroy.

You seek to kill, punish, oh that you enjoy.

And although right now I'm not in the state.

I won't ever let you

replay my mistakes.

I'm thankful and happy

even though it is tough

because I know I won't break, give in

I have something to believe in

And God believes in me

He knows I'm strong enough.

Even though the world seems like its wrecked

like a desert wasteland

I always find God in the silence

there, to hold my hand.

He brings me comfort

and tries to hug me close

even thought I don't see it or feel it

like most.

I don't go to him first thing I admit.

Even though I know I should

which I will which I will.

I'm not like most I realize.

I shrug it off with weeping tired eyes.

I know I can make it.

I'll show the devil that he can't take away my worth.

It does really help to keep the Word in your mind

in your heart, in your spirit

because it pays you back in kind.

To know what you're made of, what you can do,

and what you're worth.

To know He has already defeated the enemy and you can

crush him down below the earth.

I learn. I'm okay.

I'm fine and content.

Well these difficult situations,

are either hell that broke loose...

or heaven sent!

Depends on how you look at it,

and what you do with them too.

Me?

Yeah, sure I die initially

but I liven up and become anew!

Don't you laugh at this poem,

will it get funny?

Waiting for something silly to come,

like for me to say...

"Pooh bear loves honey!"

When things go wrong,

just don't get sad.

You've been struck by lightning.

But hey, you survived!

So, heck, just be glad!!!

I'm either wise right now,

or I'm being crazy.

There's still a lot to write

though I must leave, I'm not just being lazy.

In totality, I learned already so much.

This horrible, terrifying past week

oh, it was just my luck.

A blessing actually because of

what felt solved.

At least one thing has changed,

if not possibly evolved.

I don't know where this road leads

but I am going for it!
Not knowing where it takes me

but just trusting with faith

I'll risk it all because I only live this one life on earth

So I'll make the most of it

and serve people, love, live, and laugh

Hearts will rise,

Thunder shakes.

To keep me aware when I am not so awake

from an ongoing dream

That I will strive to be

with God as my maestro, as I play my symphony.

------

April 8. 3am.
Original Poem.
From the Heart.

Mayday

It's been a while I think, but I do miss blogging.

I had quite a mental breakdown today I admit. The day started off mellow and cool, woke up later than I usually wake up, but still was pretty calm and happy.

Suddenly, everything felt like they just crashed into me all at once. Then and there, I felt like I was deep underwater. Not the wade-in-your-pool-happy-go-lucky type where you take a deep breath and see how long you can stay under that smooth cool sanctuary. It felt as if by trying to catch a wave, you were carried off into some disastrous maelstrom. You're suddenly on a ship and you realize that you're trying to catch something so grand and so large that it is seemingly impossible.

You break away from the crew and start to clutch the edge of the stern of the ship while the rain is pounding hard on you and the clouds are darkening as if they weren't already daunting before.
"Abandon ship! Abandon ship!" the voice in your head screams loud for you and only you to hear. Your crew, you as the captain, are running everywhere. It's a nightmare. They're at the stern and look to you for your guidance, advice, command, anything to say for them to do. But you find your mouth dry, parched, and words are the last thing able to exit from your mouth.

Looking down into the oceanic abyss below, the waves are breaking violently with such great impact that one thought of jumping down would be destruction.
So you try to do the only thing you can do, that of which you know.

Grabbing the harpoon, you push your way through the worried and stricken crew and without thinking like you usually tactically do, you launch it into the air hoping it would hit your ever so desired target. It would be hard to miss, because it is just so huge.
A whale, for pete's sake, it's a whale. You can't miss.

But something so huge, so easy yet so difficult to take on.

Where did the harpoon fly off too? The wind is so vigorous and persistent it is almost brings me fatigue. I squint my eyes looking off into the distance not minding that I already acquired a deep gash in my hands from clutching the weapon so tightly and shakily. Recklessness.

One of my crew mates rested their hand on my shoulder, it felt cool on my bare skin. Was it meant to reassure? I didn't look back at him and walked on forward pressing my waist on the edge, still trying to find it. The hand left my shoulder, and I never felt it again.
I felt as though this war is not over yet. Another wave attacks the ship, sending bits of wood flying everywhere. This goes on for what seems like agonizing hours, but I pull through. A figure is finally distinguishable and I ask myself, did the harpoon manage to slay as intended?

~

It went on like it felt that way at least. Wasted time when I could have just listened to either that voice in my head to abandon ship or to that cooling hand on my shoulder telling me to let go and just relax, there's a safer place in the other direction, why don't you just turn the wheel and we can forget about this all?

It turns out that while I was too busy trying to 'slay that beast' I ended up slaying myself instead. I thought too much, I thought too little.

If I had only looked behind me and acknowledged that hand, that helping hand answering to my Mayday situation, everything would've been a lot less complicated and easier to dealt with.
The hand had left my shoulder and stood there with one last and final goodbye. The crew wanted to leave to a more tranquil place, to leave this destructive and noisy place where every moment feels tantalizing. But that one faithful crew member stayed and wanted to see if the 'captain' would go with them. He didn't want to leave me behind despite the saying, 'the captain goes down with his ship'. But I didn't listen. With one last final look of sadness and remorse, the final crew member turned away and jumped into the last escape boat and paddled away far into peace and sunlight.

Then again I didn't listen to abandon ship at the most crucial time. I didn't jump overboard into the crashing waves that would've destroyed me if I plunged in. Who was that voice? Isn't it obvious?

~

The facts and deep philosophical thoughts of life had come streaming into my mind as tears down my eyes into the heavy, yet calming warm water from the familiar shower head.

Many realizations came to mind and I do not wish to forget it, but remember all that I thought because it is true. Wish I had this knowledge that was somehow buried in my mind that I have dug up again from before. Would've been useful in my situation. But that moment has passed now.

I blink in there, were those thoughts really real? Or were they just an aberration of the mind?
Everything is so complex that I pray about it, which is the initial response which I should have done in the first place.

~

After a while, I finally figured it out. It was late timing, but I am thankful that it was better late than never.

The harpoon missed the whale by the way. It was close to its skin, but missed and passed by beside it and ended up jamming into the rock in which it can never be reclaimed. This was the result of the lack of understanding and concentration. The lack of guidance, the lack of prayer.
I had ended up alone instead on that ship, the storm still ongoing but without my supporting crew members to try and comfort me. They have all left me be.

Now, well I have learned many lessons and am thankful for this opportunity that will better prepare me for all the other difficulties to come.

I had spoken on this message a while ago, on difficulties. It was an inspiring time, where spirits are high and joy is evident.

There's always going to be something like this coming my way, can't stop it, it's nature. But true success on it is not the time frame in which you make it right away or the result on which you seek. But how you get there, how you get through the situations and how you handle them.
And sometimes, it's not going to go your way. But even though they knock you down, still remember not to break because those are the moments you are going to remember most. And when you do, you'll keep going.

Be strong, keep holding on, learn. And most importantly. Pray.

~

In time, I turned out fine. I'm okay right now aren't I? Happy and not burdensome writing this blog post.
Although I know I can't take back the time spent staying on that ship. But I can take the knowledge acquired and use it for something better that will come in which I proclaim.
I won't spend so much time in that ship of sorrow, battling things all by myself and waiting for the harpoon to hit. But know when it is time to let go, let loose, and find myself and my heart waiting for me some place where there is white sand, blue skies, and gentle waves coming on and off the shore.

Even if it is not where my map takes me. Even if it is not where people say I should go.
I look to my compass, and see that its spinning wildly unsure of where to go, sometimes how my mind is.

Then I look up to the stars, blinking brightly, constant in position every night ready to help me find my way with its carefully placed out constellations and directions.

Of course. He's there too.

Not in the violent loud winds or the powerful pushing waters. But in the stillness, the calmness and the quiet.

“Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold; I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched…My eyes fail, looking for my God.” Psalm 69:1-3

I take in a deep breath of fresh air as I had washed into the shore. I am here. I am safe now. I stop trying to find the answers by myself and just relax everything.

The light breeze cools my face unlike the harsh wind. Everything is still. Quiet.

I pray.

Opening my eyes I spot figures in the distance coming toward me.

My crew has returned.

return

To blog or not to blog?

Hmm, there have been many thoughts in my mind lately. And I wonder whether or not to write it down or preserve it somewhere. Or if I should confide in my own privacy by placing it on the public internet.

Too many things have been happening the past few weeks. It is chaos.

Some of the things are much enjoyable. But of course, its reciprocal matched.

To write my thoughts down feels like I have been set free because these thoughts are just bugging my mind and I feel as though I should let it out. I know to choose my words carefully, but it is difficult considering how much I want to say to just get the heavy feeling off of my chest.

Expressing my thoughts on here feels like I am drunk because I forget everything in the world that has caused me distress and worry. It gives you that satisfied feeling where you just are happy and crave for more. But I really would rather not put this blog publicly, only hope that a few are reading it.

I cannot help but really say what is on my mind. But discreetly, as I know some of my peers might be reading.

Ah, yes. My peers. Chums. Buddies. Pals. Friends?

To be honest, I have trouble making friends. Tis true.

It is difficult... I cannot fully explain as one who would not know the experiences that I have had or those who are not like myself cannot possibly understand what I mean.

But really, that sentence is true. I do have trouble making friends.

You may be in utter disbelief as you might see me all smiles, like the happy-go-lucky-girl that you and I think that I am sometimes.

But really, things are not what they seem.

Life is full of secrets. It's annoying really because sometimes you have to hide how you feel but you know it won't benefit anyone by telling them everything or just the whole truth because you know that they just simply do not want to hear what you really are thinking or feeling or any other human needs or problems you have going on in your life.

That is enough of me now. I have said enough.

I wish to slumber, but sometimes desires are not allowed to be.

The Massager

Tonight I feel like I have been blessed. And I really don't want to forget this moment.

Her eyes gleamed at me as she was telling me her story. She is a good talker, I thought. I smiled at her as I listened to her tale. She didn't know me and I didn't know her. This is the first time we have met.

I kept listening to her stories, while she worked, her talk about things when she started to say,

"You know, I thought that you would've given me a hard time..." she continued. "But you didn't, unlike all the others."

My smiled widened even some more, "Really?" I asked. I was filled with warmth at that statement, to be glad to be kind to her.

"Yes," she went on, "But you know the beautiful, rich kind..."

I nodded my head in understanding. Of course I knew what she was talking about, from television shows and drama that I have seen. And being also quite knowledgeable in the culture.

But still, I was filled with delight. I did not know her, and here she was telling me of her experiences, giving me advice and lessons that she had learned from her past life. I knew what she was going for, she didn't want me to make the same mistakes that she did, and I was glad to listen to her and accept this knowledge.

Of course, I had known it before, but this is the first time that somebody who had experienced it was talking to me about it. And all the while as she was serving me.

The song on my player shifted into a new tune, a beautiful piano melody that soothed my ears.

I laid back and relaxed on my pillow as she proceeded to massage my legs.

"Don't let just anyone massage you," she said. "Good thing I know from experience. It shouldn't be too hard, this is moderate, since this is your first time and you are young."

I nodded my head in thanks. She smiled at me as her cellphone bleeped.

"It's my friend," she kept on talking. "Oh do you want to see my baby?" she asked.

I nodded my head again as she flipped through her cellphone photos to show me finally a photo of herself sitting beside her husband, and two children. A boy and a girl. They were both very young, 5 and 3 years old.

"Awe, they are cute," I said, lifting my head up.

She spoke calmly and gently to me, talking about everything else. The hardships, the happys, the good news, and the sadder news. I had learned that she likes Bruno Mars songs. I told her that I liked Taylor Swift and can play the piano.

She moved to my forehead, massaging the temples.

I told her about other things that happened to me in the past and she replied with the same tinge of joy in her voice, that was happy, friendly, and something that I haven't recently experienced lately.

"Well, all in all, it's beautiful really," she said complimenting me.

I enjoyed listening to her as she spoke.

In the end, our session was done. I felt a little bit sad that it was, as I liked to hear her talk, not to mention the wonderful massage that I had gotten.

Her eyes lit up again telling me, "Just ask for my name when you need anything."

I nodded, I was definitely going to call her again the next time I get a massage. I thanked her.

I left, carrying my music player with me as it changed to a different tune once again as I walked to the other room.

I know it was just a simple thing. Not much of a big or impacting moment in my life. Just a first massage. Which felt wonderful.

But the thing is, I am remembering her as a person. A person who faced hardship, struggles just like any other person. What made her different was that she chose to share it to me. Yeah, I know, really not a big deal to make conversation with your client, but hey, I'm young, not exactly an adult yet. And well, she cared enough to share, to at least try to shape my life, letting me know the things that happen if I do make these life-changing decisions.

What she has done, well it's kindness. I really do appreciate it. Even in the simplest forms.

I hope to repay her for her kindness.

As I was sitting in the room, I got up and started filling 3 glasses of water. One for my mother, one for her friend, and one for her, the massager.

My father opened the door for me as I went in and handed everyone their glasses of water. She took it gently with a smile on her face, thanking me.

"Mom, I like her," I said, "She's good and she's nice." I glanced over to her beaming face.

I turned to leave the room and said, "Thank you again."

Writing.

State the obvious.

I love writing.

A lot. It's very enjoyable for me. Just the way I can express myself either on paper or by text on blog. You can tell that I do love writing since I do it everyday. On a notebook or by blog, and I do blog a lot. Stories, thoughts, random rants & rages, and just a bunch of nonsense that can only make sense to me. Even lessons I learn or stuff from devos. I just have a lot on my mind. I think a lot too I suppose. But back to writing.

I remember the first time I ever got into writing. I was, hmm, eight years old.

It was in grade 3 and I had just moved to Canada.

It was a very foreign country for me and I was adjusting. Everything looked so large and big to me and the only things I was familiar with was the malls and my great aunt's house since I had visited Canada previously when I was 4 years old (I actually remember my time in Canada previously, but that's another story).

I remember the principal's eyes widening at my shy 8 year old self, hiding behind my mother as she was telling her all of my achievements. We were taking a tour of the school I was to be going to, which was a uniformed private school, catholic if you may. Little did I know that haha, the school I would be 4 years in the future was only 2 blocks away from that school. (Again, another story).

"That's remarkable!" the principal exclaimed. She had very short gray and dark hair meshed together in a pixie cut which worked for her. She reminded me of that actor from the movie Freaky Friday, Jamie Lynn Curtis was it?
She wore small framed glasses, and had crow's feet wrinkles by her eyes, looked around her late forties or early fifties I suppose.

"Your daughter's intelligence is very impressive..." she continued on, beaming at me. "I think she will do quite well at this school."

I was looking up at her with my big and shiny eyes with a shy expression.

Her denim suit and black thin heels intrigued me.

We continued to take a tour of the school. Well, I never really talk or tell anyone about this but, she even suggested I should skip 3 grades.... Yeah, I know, whoa.

So I would've been an small eight year old in a sixth grade classroom, with eleven year old students.... Scary.

And well you probably know what happened, she didn't let me skip grades, because that would've been weird for me. Even though I would've graduated when I was 14.... (Odd enough, if I had stayed in the Phils, that's the same age I would've graduated high school).

ANYWAYS. :) Sorry for the bunny trail.

Back to Writing!

In that third grade classroom, I remember seeing my teacher. She had fluffy blonde hair. But not the poofy, weird disco afro kind. The kind where it's beautiful, lucious and filled with voluminousness. She had blue eyes and looked around her late twenties or early thirties. Probably thirties, I remember she was married.

She smiled down at us and widened her eyes that it was almost scary, but not quite. She told us to have a new notebook open to make it a writing notebook. One that we would write in during our quiet time everyday.

Now this was very foreign for me. Probably for everyone too. But it was new. I had never really been interested in writing. Or reading (how I became interested is another story... lots of stories to tell xD).

Yes, I know, I was only eight, but I've done a lot already. :P (yet again, another story).

So I opened my new blue notebook and stared at the blank page wondering what in the world I was going to write. I had my No. 2 pencil in my hand, who was eagerly waiting to press it's lead head on the lined paper.

Tap, tap. Tap, tap.

I kept my eyes focus on the page, not minding what other's were doing. This was my moment. Just me and the page.

You're probably wondering how I remember this. Well I just do. One of my moments I like to relive sometime.

It was then and there where I started writing my first story. My very first story which I told, between me, the pencil, and the page. And eventually my third grade teacher who liked to look over all the notebooks.

By the end of the quiet time, I had 4 pages, filled with writing. I was pretty satisfied.

My friend, her name was Annika, had bright red hair and looked over at me with her eyes that grew as big as a bright blue balloon being inflated by helium.

"WOW!!! You write a lot!" she exclaimed at me, looking quite impressed. She showed me her notebook which was almost half a page filled with scribbles and marks of words.

Her exclamation made quite an effect as other kids started to crowd around me, looking at my notebook saying things like, WOW! WHOA! YOU WRITE A LOT! causing me to blush. I nodded at all of them so small it was barely seen.

"Thanks," I said shyly, "You guys write a lot too."

Yes, yes, I was a shy and quiet kid.

Then our teacher collected our books and proceeded to the next lesson in her chirpy and warm voice.

I guess I enjoyed my first time writing. The following days after that during our writing period, I just kept on writing. Random ideas, things that were on my mind. What else was on a little girl's 8 year old mind? Really.... not much :)

I just wrote scenes and stories that would be funny or cool if it happened and of course about tv shows that I watched since I was obsessed with television. Haha, seriously, if you could count how many hours I watched a day ... but.. that's another story :)

Anyways, days passed, months passed, haha, years... just kidding, we'll go as far as months :)

After a lot of writing periods, well guess how many notebooks I managed to fill?

THREE :)

and they were filled with stories and stuffs!

And that's how I started writing.

I kept going on and on and on.

When I was eleven, I found those three notebooks again and started reading things I wrote. And they were funny! On the last page on one of the writing journals I have a snapshot of it in my mind. I was writing about an episode on one of my favourite tv shows back then, of the Winx Club. Note, I was eight or nine, and I was writing about Musa and Riven. Musa was the fairy of music and Riven went to a nearby school for boys who handled weapons and dragons.

And I wrote a closing scene right after they had defeated the Trix witches from their evil plot to take over the fairy realm. I quoted something from the Disney Hercules movie, and it went something like this.

Musa: Riven! You saved my life!

Riven: well it's no problem, it's really fine...

Musa: but you almost got hurt doing it! thank you ..

Riven: well, you know, people do crazy things... when they're in love.

Hahahaha :)

Oh I am funny.

Anyways, yeah. That's what I remember from my childhood days.

This was a very personal blog post, so I hope you enjoy :)

WRITING AND EIDETIC MEMORIES FTW!

start

The rain was pounding. I sat right beside my window, watching the raindrops race each other down the window. It was such a sad day today, I couldn't even think straight.
It was my second last year of high school, and I wanted to fill in my extra curricular slot for next year. I chose cheerleading. Well, the tryouts were today and I didn't make it. It was obvious by the way the head cheerleader looked at me. Her face was scrunched up and seemed distracted or would rather be somewhere else, wanting to have the next girl up. Or maybe even Irvin. The only guy who signed up for cheerleading. His name really says it all.

But he was the only competition there who actually wished me good luck, so I smiled at him making him stumble a bit. He was a nice guy, just a little bit awkward and nerdy. Super smart... even smarter than me probably. I watched his try out and well, miss head cheerleader smiled a little. In discomfort. I think. Not sure.

I came home and found a note on the kitchen table. Mom was out on a date again. She started dating around July of last year, probably after a year after the divorce with my dad. I still visit him sometimes, they both seem to be fine. But I won't go into that too much.

Anyways, mom was out again. This was her fifth one with the same guy, wow she must really like him, because this is a record. The previous ones usually lasted between one to three. Good, I thought. Because those guys were such jerks. Only dating my mom because she was pretty, and of course her legs. It disturbed me. I hope this one was different. I haven't exactly met him yet, because everytime he would be home, I'd be out doing something, or volunteering or what not. It's not as if I was trying to avoid him, but just not making great expectations. They all were losers. Not because my mom had bad taste, she does, but they all just turned out to be meeeh.

I tied my brown hair up into a high pony tail and put on my favourite comfy sweats and turquoise crew neck with white designs. Ahh, it felt good. It had style, but as comfy as a sweater!

I pushed my laptop aside and put it on my white table. Jumping on my bed to a comfortable position, I opened my book to were the bookmark was and started to read.
I love to read. I was on this one adventure book I got from my birthday from my dad. He knew I loved adventures. Even though, I'd still be quite afraid to climb a tree or do anything to risky. At least, when I read, I could experience the adventures without getting hurt or taking too big of a risk. Logan always tells me to lighten up and "do something with my life." But I always roll my eyes at him.

Oh yeah, Logan is my best friend by the way. Ever since 3rd grade when we first met. It's quite funny actually. I was always the goody-two-shoes, and he was the one always getting into trouble. I told the boys not to climb that tree using my persuasive voice, even though it was high pitched. But hey, I was eight.

They listened, which was good. But not Logan. He climbed the tree anyways, and even asked me to climb it!

"I'm wearing a dress!!!" I yelled to him from the ground. He was up really high on the tree, trying to show off I think.
"Yea, I can see that... so? Come on!"
He was so stupid, couldn't he see I was wearing a white dress and my shiny black shoes?
"No! It's dangerous! Plus I'd get all dirty!"He still kept on climbing.
"You're such a girl," he smiled.
"That's cause I am one!!" I yelled back, "And you're such a boy! Now get off there before you get hurt." I said that because that's what my mom would tell me.

The boys were laughing behind me now. Haha, wouldn't blame them, there I was, a little girl, trying be authoritative over a boy from schol.

"That's cuz I am one!!!" Logan jumped off the tree with ease and landed infront of me. He held out his small dirty hands and said, "Hi, I'm Logan."

And well, that's how we met.
Nah, we didn't become instant friends when he introduced himself. I mean, he was such a stupid boy. I scrunched up my nose a bit, and then smiled shyly. "Hi, I'm Emily."

Yep, that's when we became instant friends.

I heard a clank clank sound that seemed to be coming from my window.

"Yo!!! Hastings!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Speaking of him...

I recognized the voice and looked outside my window.

"Is this supposed to be your new and creative way of getting a girl's attention?" I yelled back to the voice.

He looked up from the ground and dropped the small pebbles he was collecting, I assume to throw again to my window.

"Hey, good, you heard me the first time!" he smiled.

I rolled my eyes, "Yeah, good thing or you would've broken the window!"

"Thank you for not underestimating my strength." Logan proceeded to show off his biceps.

I rolled my eyes at him.

"Why are you here anyway?" I said diverting the subejct.

He stopped flexing and looked up at me again, "Heard you tried out for cheerleading!

"I did." I leaned on my hand, resting my elbow on the window.

"Awesome! How'd it go?"

I raised up my thumb and pointed it down while making a raspberry sound with my tongue.

"Come on, I bet you weren't that bad..."

"Irvin did better than me."

He laughed and gestured for me to come down, "I know what will make you feel better.."

I perked up a little bit. "Milkshake..."

"... and fries," he finished with a grin.

I smiled. Yeah, sure Logan was annoying sometimes. But he always does know what would make me feel better.

"Come on down, takin' you to Papa Joe's Pizza Place."

slower.

This time, it didn't come so fast.
It came quite slow actually, something that would feel like a million rainbows that rush through me. Or maybe it's just the coldness I'm feeling right now because of the air conditioner that is blowing.

But what I've noticed. Is the rush that came by previously. It came, and it went. Just like the wind during a storm. Once it just suddenly comes like that, it'll leave. But after a tempo, or something that builds up in a song, it could actually turn out beautifully. Especially with the maestro orchestrating it. That would definitely turn out amazing.

Who knows really. I don't know that's for sure.
But what I am sure of, is that maybe, just maybe, this will turn out better than it did before.

In a turnaround.

It does indeed so greatly annoy me when something like that occurs. It often produces misdeeds that seem to be unexplainable to those who immediately choose to react whist not fully understanding the situation. Another attempt at regaining what was taken is a difficult happenstance. This action seems to be delayed, but does ever come so slowly that you really do choose to never return.
But alas, another revelation! It is interesting to how things work. Oh, but sadly, in only one place does this happen. It would be satisfactory if another one would pardon me with this ability. Unfortunately, that is not possible as my grant does not coincide with the granter. I have realized this, which my comrade was correct, as the world blindly continues to follow it as if it were it. Then again, I am able to understand in their perspective and should not be so quick to judge.
It is hard to think in such a way when one is surrounded by things full of it occurring!
Looking inside on the outside, I see a flock of birds gathered together. A sparkle in my eye does come by, acknowledging them in kindness. Oh! How I do somehow crave what they do posess!
Now, it has returned, yes. No need to fret. But this has really have me thinking. A smile creeps up to my face as the puzzle pieces seem to fit very very clear! An experience does this life be! Yes, an adventure!
Stepping over rocks to get through the river without getting wet is one way of looking through the speculum.
Shall it be confirmed? Well, almost!
One does have to take time in things and discipline oneself for it. It is all in the mindset, yes.
All in all, ones emotions should not be taken seriously. In some context and outer parts, yes, it should. But in this case, no, it should not.
Another smile crept up! Yes, it might as well be a fat caterpillar eagerly waiting to transform!
I had just read a text to distract me from my previous train of thought. It is very interesting and quite true. It says that we can be sure that in every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
Now, God knew what he was doing from the beginning, after making the decision of how His children should be like, He named them, set on a solid basis, got them established, and stayed with them till the end, gloriously completing what He had begun!
Another text was about a little boy. He was looking through a fence to watch something of a baseball game but was only able to look straight ahead. The crowd within the fence, is able to see the entire happenings, the game if you may. It is an interesting metaphor of how one would see himself.
So I presume, if we are the boy who is only able to look straight ahead, in one direction, but is still able to see, then God is the crowd, who is able to see the whole entire game!

The game, im assuming is life. Oh how interesting! We are able to only see one view! While He can see it all!
Of course, I have known this, but the information is once again reborn into my mind.
Oh woe, sometimes.
Of course these thoughts are indeed jumbled up, something of letter form. I chortle inside my head. Chortle? Hmm.
This is certainly odd. Something of the sort that I guess would only happen once in a blue moon. It would be very nice to see a blue moon.
I’ll drift into a world of reverie and see how it goes from there. Oh the wonders. The feeling.
Oh, how I do certainly crave it. But the turtle seems to be staying in the shell no matter how much it is kicked and tossed around, gently of course. Move, little turtle. Do move.

In a turnaround.

It does indeed so greatly annoy me when something like that occurs. It often produces misdeeds that seem to be unexplainable to those who immediately choose to react whist not fully understanding the situation. Another attempt at regaining what was taken is a difficult happenstance. This action seems to be delayed, but does ever come so slowly that you really do choose to never return.
But alas, another revelation! It is interesting to how things work. Oh, but sadly, in only one place does this happen. It would be satisfactory if another one would pardon me with this ability. Unfortunately, that is not possible as my grant does not coincide with the granter. I have realized this, which my comrade was correct, as the world blindly continues to follow it as if it were it. Then again, I am able to understand in their perspective and should not be so quick to judge.
It is hard to think in such a way when one is surrounded by things full of it occurring!
Looking inside on the outside, I see a flock of birds gathered together. A sparkle in my eye does come by, acknowledging them in kindness. Oh! How I do somehow crave what they do posess!
Now, it has returned, yes. No need to fret. But this has really have me thinking. A smile creeps up to my face as the puzzle pieces seem to fit very very clear! An experience does this life be! Yes, an adventure!
Stepping over rocks to get through the river without getting wet is one way of looking through the speculum.
Shall it be confirmed? Well, almost!
One does have to take time in things and discipline oneself for it. It is all in the mindset, yes.
All in all, ones emotions should not be taken seriously. In some context and outer parts, yes, it should. But in this case, no, it should not.
Another smile crept up! Yes, it might as well be a fat caterpillar eagerly waiting to transform!
I had just read a text to distract me from my previous train of thought. It is very interesting and quite true. It says that we can be sure that in every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
Now, God knew what he was doing from the beginning, after making the decision of how His children should be like, He named them, set on a solid basis, got them established, and stayed with them till the end, gloriously completing what He had begun!
Another text was about a little boy. He was looking through a fence to watch something of a baseball game but was only able to look straight ahead. The crowd within the fence, is able to see the entire happenings, the game if you may. It is an interesting metaphor of how one would see himself.
So I presume, if we are the boy who is only able to look straight ahead, in one direction, but is still able to see, then God is the crowd, who is able to see the whole entire game!

The game, im assuming is life. Oh how interesting! We are able to only see one view! While He can see it all!
Of course, I have known this, but the information is once again reborn into my mind.
Oh woe, sometimes.
Of course these thoughts are indeed jumbled up, something of letter form. I chortle inside my head. Chortle? Hmm.
This is certainly odd. Something of the sort that I guess would only happen once in a blue moon. It would be very nice to see a blue moon.
I’ll drift into a world of reverie and see how it goes from there. Oh the wonders. The feeling.
Oh, how I do certainly crave it. But the turtle seems to be staying in the shell no matter how much it is kicked and tossed around, gently of course. Move, little turtle. Do move.

:)

the only safe place

"Do you think she's gone?" whispered Sapphira.

I held her in my arms, holding her small and innocent head to my chest, patting her softly.
We were sheltered by a small dark shack from the heavy rain that was beating down on the shingles of the crooked rooftop. I turned slightly to face the small window on my right side that had drops of rain quickly race each other down. I could only make out a few things outside our cold and damp space that felt dry compared to what was happening outside.

Bare trees were blackened, the grass was scorched. It seems as if the darkness wouldn't ever leave us. There was no colour even to describe the sky, if there was any colour left.

She shivered even more, moving closer to me, trying to trap the heat we lacked without a blanket. I stroked her short damp hair and held the the singed ends of her chestnut brown hair for a moment. I scoffed to myself. When is this war going to end?


Sapphira looked up to me, her shiny green eyes filled with a little bit too much colour, waiting for my response.

I looked out through the small window again.


"Yes," I whispered back softly, "She's gone."

Samson and Delilah - Bible Story Summary

Samson and Delilah - Bible Story Summary
Scripture Reference:
Judges 16
Samson and Delilah - Story Summary: When Samson fell for Delilah, a woman from the Valley of Sorek, it marked the beginning of his downfall and eventual demise. It didn’t take long for the rich and powerful Philistine rulers to learn of the affair and immediately pay a visit to Delilah. You see, Samson was judge over Israel at the time and had been taking out great vengeance on the Philistines—but that’s another story. Hoping to capture him, the Philistine leaders each offered Delilah a sum of money to collaborate with them in a scheme to uncover the secret of Samson’s great strength.
Using her powers of seduction and deception, Delilah persistently wore down Samson with her repeated requests, until he finally divulged the crucial information. Having taken the Nazirite vow at birth, Samson had been set apart to God. As part of that vow, his hair was never to be cut. When Samson told Delilah that his strength would leave him if a razor were to be used on his head, she cunningly crafted her plan with the Philistine rulers.

While Samson slept on her lap, Delilah called in a co-conspirator to shave off the seven braids of his hair. Subdued and weak, Samson was captured.

Rather than killing him, the Philistines preferred to humiliated him by gouging out his eyes and subjecting him to hard labor in a Gaza prison. As he slaved at grinding grain, his hair began to grow, but the careless Philistines paid no attention. And in spite of his horrible failures and sins of great consequence, Samson’s heart now turned to the Lord. He was humbled. He prayed to God—a first—and God answered.

During a pagan sacrificial ritual, the Philistines had gathered in Gaza to celebrate. As was their custom, they paraded their prized enemy prisoner into the temple to entertain the jeering crowds. Samson braced himself between the two central support pillars of the temple and pushed with all his might. Down came the temple, killing Samson and all of the people in it. Through his death, Samson destroyed more of his enemies in this one sacrificial act, than he had previously killed in all the battles of his life.

Points of Interest from the Story:
• Samson’s calling from birth was to begin the deliverance of Israel from Philistine oppression (see Judges 13:5). Reading the account of Samson’s life and then his downfall with Delilah, you might tend to think Samson wasted his life. He was a failure. Yet even still, he accomplished his God assigned mission.

• In fact, the New Testament doesn’t list Samson’s failures, nor his incredible acts of strength. Hebrews chapter 11 names him in the “Hall of Faith” among those who “through faith conquered kingdoms, administered justice, and gained what was promised … whose weakness was turned to strength.” This proves that God can use people of faith, no matter how imperfectly they live their lives.

• We might look at Samson and his infatuation with Delilah, and consider him gullible—stupid even. His lust for Delilah blinded him to her lies and her true nature. He wanted so badly to believe she loved him, that he repeatedly fell for her deceptive ways. After the third attempt at luring out his secret, why didn’t Samson catch on? By the fourth enticement, he crumbled. He gave in. Why didn’t he learn? Why did he give into temptation and give up his treasured gift?

Because Samson is just like you and me when we give ourselves over to sin. In this state, we can easily be deceived because the truth becomes impossible to see.

Question for Reflection:
Spiritually, Samson lost sight of his calling from God and gave up his greatest gift, his amazing physical strength, to please the woman who had captured his affections. In the end it cost him his physical sight, his freedom, his dignity, and eventually his life. No doubt, as he sat in prison, eyeless and zapped of strength, Samson felt like a failure.

Do you feel like a complete failure? Do you think it’s too late to turn to God?

At the end of his life, blind and humbled, Samson finally realized his utter dependence upon God. Amazing grace! He once was blind, but now could see. No matter how far you’ve fallen away from God, no matter how big you’ve failed, it’s never too late to humble yourself and turn over your dependence upon God. Ultimately, through his sacrificial death, Samson turned his miserable mistakes into victory. Let Samson’s example persuade you—it’s never too late.

Prologue.

Her blonde hair covered her sparkling blue eyes. He brushed it off gently away, tucking it behind her ear. Their silhouettes were dimly lit by the flickering lights of the empty school hallway.
"Jeremy, I--" she began to protest quietly, placing her hands on his shoulders.
He leaned in closer to her, his dark brown eyes looking right into hers so deep and lovingly. Small tears formed filling her already shiny eyes. Taking in a breath, Jeremy pressed his soft lips against hers ever so gently.
Her balled fists loosened, having a mind of their own, pulled him into an embrace, with her hands held tightly around his back.
His arms, wrapped around her waist and his hands, lightly touching the small of her back.
The kiss deepened into something that was so passionate and filled with fire.

A force pulled her waist back, but she ignored it, still deepening the kiss. It pulled her even more back, ignoring her resistance. Then it suddenly stopped.
She experienced fireworks,taking it all in, feeling like she could almost hear the sound.
She couldn't help but smile. She fluttered her blue eyes open expecting to see the boy she had shared her first kiss with. But he wasn't there.

Dead trees and scattered soil filled the entire landscape. An eerie greenish glow filled the sky gradient with black and mists of gray. The world was moving before her. Dirt and tinged hands covered with soot swayed back and forth in front of her face. Dark brown hair fell down her back, her knees were jolting up and down, dodging the fallen dead branches in her way.

The sleeve of her olive green shirt was ripped by a sharp claw-like outstretched figure. Grabbing the handle of her knife from the band of her belt, she slashed the figure out of the way and continued to run.

Gone was the safety of the school hallway. Gone was Jeremy. Gone was the fire she felt from their kiss.

She didn't know why, but now was the time to run. To escape from the darkness she once had sought after in another life.

She was confused still, despite the rush of emotions. Who was she? And where was she? She didn't know the answer to those.

But all that she knew, was that it had started. The flame had been ignited.

Insomnia.

Is currently typing with two thumbs on my trusty ancient iPod touch.
I have already done the following.

-Went to bed 5hrs earlier than last night
-woke up..? Or never really slept?
-learned a beautiful piano piece
-composed a beautiful piano piece
-played my out of tune violin
-more piano
-played guitar
-siingg
-wrote music for song I wrote last year
-attempted to sleep
-did 2 devos!
-pray!
-mumble
-wrapped myself in a blanket
-changed positions
-rolled over
-pounded on a pillow
-sat on the couch
-laid on the couch
-sat on a chair
-walked in the hallway
-drank a glass of warm milk
-YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE YOUR EYES IF TEN MILLION FIREFLIES!!
-writing a blog post

Ugh.. I have don't everything possible to get me tired and sleep.

It is already past 3am and I am still AWAKE.


far too tired to fall asleep....

Maybe I should write a song. Or tell a story. Or both! Or just fall asleep on this chair. -.-"


What's happening to me? This is such a random wave of insomnia!!!!


I may be worried about things. Plenty of things.


-bang head against wall


Nope that didn't work either.


-impersonate a singer


Hmm, not bad...


I'D LIKE TO MAKE MYSELF BELIEVEEEE THAT PLANET EARRTTTHHH TURNS SLOOWWWWLYYYY!!!!!


Not helping. :/

Hmm, this is unusual.

Maybe my subconcious is trying to tell me something.

Like a secret message or something g I may have forgotten?

Maybe I'm worried. Yes. That's probs it. Or maybe I'm insane.

Or maybe it's my birthday!!!!!!

Nope. Not my birthday.

Go to sleep!

GOODNIGHT WORLD!

Continuation of You#3

You have stopped trying my friend.

Simple as that.

Unravelling the context.

Sometimes I cannot get the words out of mouth to say the right things.
Usually I think I say the wrong things, or perhaps the right things at the wrong time. Especially the wrong things at the wrong time.

That tightening in my stomach occurs more often nowadays. A tiny bubbling of it which I chosen to ignore initially. But now I am not so sure.

It is unpleasant to know that kind of knowledge is affecting me in a way which determines my attitude toward things. Should I choose to ignore it? Or just avoid it altogether?

With these two options which I have analytically thought over and over again, I know that both would cause distress upon my heart and mind venturing its way into the very wall which I have built up so strongly.

It might as well crumble down right now but I am still fighting it.
I know it cannot be helped, as to the knowledge of those contributing factors which I so wish would somehow disappear.

In my heart I know it is a good thing, but the tightening has made its mark as if it was saying, "No! No! I refuse to believe that!"

Which brings me to where I am now.
This is difficult.
Very difficult.


The choice I have made is backfiring. I still have ended up in that same battlefield, where shrapnel is scattered all around, but I'm still shooting as if there is still a war going on. But in reality, no one is there.

That is I suppose, an annoying aspect of me being overly analogical.
Try to be more laid back will you?

Well yes, I shall try that.
It also seems I'm hiding. Am I really being me?
Or am I just fantasizing this whole thing?
Which in other words, that this is not reality.

If I ever put myself in Pierre- Count Bezukhov's shoes...
All the things that he went through... is somehow similar to what I--

Or am I somehow similar to Adolf Karlovich Berg?
Who desires to be like everyone else?

Oh what a pity. I keep comparing myself to some characters in a book I just read.
I won't go as far as Natasha-- too late.

Enough is enough!

This shall probably not be a very good read. As it expands in detail the internal struggle of a somewhat non-fictional character in my own little world.

If you choose to ignore it, feel free as I am not the one stopping you.
Read on? Well yes, then you must be intrigued.

Being overly quixotic, I avoid showing my unctuous countenance as I recite the following impromptu libretto. It may be a tad obscured, but believe me when I say the task at hand is somewhat oppressive. The lull I had been in seemed to have mutilated the sporadic, awakening the long lost tantalizing feeling we all know we deeply wish to go away.
My attempts to be insouciant shall be deliberated, though I must think to be said tersely , everything and nothing seems to be unfathomable.
In hopes of alleviating the grotesque cacophony, the stoic thinking I have not yet acquired unnerves me in way that has left me completely ethereal. Although I choose not to be seen that way.


...

Well. None of this jibber-jabber probably made any sense to you.
(Unless you of course were intelligent enough to decide to decipher this code and unlock the hidden meanings sprawled so clearly and plainly into it.)
But in recent estimates, no one would bother trying.

So in short:
"Well there really is nothing to say.
As this message portrays
Of what I hide and what I feel.
Something that doesn't pass reality,
but in reality, it is really real."

:)

My precious...

So this is the most freakin coolest thing I have ever seen... :P
EPICNESS.

Reflection on Devos

Reflection on devos.
Jan 12,2012


I read january 12 reading and I absolutely loved it on perseverance. James 1:24 is so good as it says, "consider it pure joy my brothers thy you may face trials of many kinds because the testing of your faith may develop perseverance. Perseverance must finish it's work so that you may be full and complete not lacking anything'
The tree the grew in Brooklynn story was good. Because even though no one planted it right, helped it stand upright, or cared for it, it still grew tall and strong. The same way if we do not give up and persevere we are able to grow strong, by facing the trials that life brings us, it will help strengthen us. No matter where we comefrom (:

The second one I read was on July 5th


"Like a madman shooting firebrands or deadly arrows is like a man eho deceives his neighbor and says "I was only joking!" " proverbs 26:18-19 NIV

It talks about the importance of not lying and to tell the truth.
To lie to someone is like lying to God. That's pretty intense.
I read a story on Acts 4:36-5:5.
And it tells about how a man sold his field and gave the money to the apostles. Then another man, named Ananias and his wife Sapphira, sold their field but kept some of the money for themselves then gave the rest to the apostles. The apostles caught them in the act and declared that they kept things from the Holy Spirit and just lied to God. Ananias dropped dead.

Lying is a pretty bad sin. Especially lying to God. Sure, sometimes we can joke around and play pranks on people (like I do hehe) like possibly spray some silly string to them during a silly weird time. Or maybe set a tripwire to some rowdy boys sending honey and feathers on their bodies :3
But there is a time for everything.
I wouldn't do that during a serious time.

As in Ecclesiates 3:1-8 NIV.
It says.

There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace. (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NIV)

Just to throw in that amazing verse in (:

Man, really it is true. Getting into His word first thing helps your day. (:
Your first thought when you wake up and last thought going to bed is thanking God. :)


He is so good that I must just give him praise here..

I was writing my essay and he gave me the strength to finish it! And quite frankly I'm pretty proud of my essay!! Yay! But absolutely more proud of my God, heavenly father, who stuck with me through it all and believed in me so much that he let the teacher assign it so that he could show the world "Yep, that's my girl!" :D


So many more things to thank about (:
But I'll leave that thought open for you reader :) What do you think?

Raspberry Vinaigrette

Reading the title, I suppose you all know what this one is about.

Yes readers, it is raspberry vinaigrette.

To be honest, I did not know what vinaigrette was before I had it earlier today. (5mins ago). Well I've heard of it as some sort of salad dressing but for those who don't know this is what it is.

Vinaigrette (/vɪnəˈɡrɛt/) is a mixture (emulsion) of olive oil and vinegar, sometimes flavored with herbs, spices, and other ingredients. It is used most commonly as a salad dressing,[1] but also as a cold sauce or marinade.

or something like that. (definition via Wikipedia. Whoo!)
I had the Raspberry kind. And It was positively delicious.

I mean with salad, I usually have the typical Cesar dressing or ranch or something. But this time, my splendid daddy bought me some fruit and nut salad with this strange red substance that I had not encounter before today.

I hesitated to pour it on the leafy greens, so I dipped my fork into the container and with the tip of my tongue tasted it.
Hmm, it's not bad.

So I poured half of it in my salad.
In a matter of a small amount of time, it has been done! Hurrah!

I looked at the paper box that the salad was in and it looked to me as though it had been splattered by blood (which I thought was cool looking). But I really knew it was just the dressing which I did not know the name of.

I was about to google "strange red sauce" on the internet then realized, How was google supposed to know what I'm talking about if they can't see it?
I mean, they're not that good are they?

So I just had some thoughts about maybe inventing a search engine that could identify what was what by sensor or touch. (Wouldn't that be cool!)
There probably was already an invention like this or something... (Oh yeah, the analytic scanner... DOH!)
But what I mean is, available in people's homes or something. (So they are able to scan deliciously yummy red substances they just had with some salad).

Haha, I'm sure I'm not the only one! (Probably am)

But really, that was the sweetest thing I have ever tasted ever today!!!
I craved for more (Which is probably not even that healthy), but man was it good!

If you haven't tried Raspberry Vinaigrette, you should! The fresh sweet kind, not the ewwwwww kind. Cuz that would just be wrong.

Wow, I'd really make a great commercial for some Raspberry Vinaigrette.
Maybe I should be in a commercial :P

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My random topic of today was inspired by an essay that is due very soon and that I have procrastinated for a long time now. (and still procrastinating a bit).

------------------

Thank you :)Hope you enjoyed my random rants.
-Feelin the sweetness.

Andrew's POV

Hi everyone! :) Here's the continuation of "The Hard Fall" and "The High Rise".
It's not really a chapter per say, but parts of the story put together. Hope you like it!

---------------------------------------


By the time I got home the water had risen to my ankles. I was panting heavily from running all the way here with a net quarter full of fish, which I laid aside.

I got my little sister Isabelle and my mother out of there to head to the bridge.

Our house wasn't much, one floor, one space. Kitchen was a few feet from the living room, which was a few feet away from the bathroom.
If that flood were to reach our home, it wouldn't even stand a chance.

Our province was divided into 4 sections, as I like to call it: Civilization, the water, the wild, and the barren wasteland.
Civilization was where we lived.
The people in my village were of the poor sort. It was easy enough to wake them all up to head over to the bridge that met in the middle of our 3 villages. There were also some perks to our village, we lived closer to the bridge so I suppose it would take less time to get there. Imagine a sideways staircase, where ours were much higher and closer to the top.
There was mine, then the more fortunate one, but only slightly, and the most fortunate with houses that reached up to 2 bedrooms! Maybe even a small upper floor. They were made of cement while ours was made of branches and hay, etc.
When it rained we had to cover our hut with a blue plastic wrap for the water to slide down.
It a storm we would stay over with Catherine's family, in far village, which had at least 4 cemented walls and then rebuild ours.

My father and I used to rebuild it together before the incident happened. I don't like to think about it a lot.
The water was the long flowing river that runs every year. It has plenty of fish there, and a little part where clothes could be washed, or people could sometimes bathe if the weather was hot. Sometimes little children would play on the close river side, not far from where Catherine would usually be.
Up the river, a large dam was there to hold incoming water from rain and prevent it from flooding our village. There were two parts of the wild: one we avoided that had rabid animals that could kill you, and one that we went to, to either hunt or get some plantation.
The barren wasteland was something that we’d like to stay out of. Temperatures in that part were burning, and sometimes even cold. It was unexplainable. The stench was unbearable and was repulsive to think about.


I grabbed some things that would be useful: flashlight, blankets, some packaged food.
If that flood were to reach, I'd like to be prepared.

All this happened in a span of 2 minutes. We all had to get out of here as soon as possible.

Men and women of all ages were scrambling out.
The stronger men, including me, we made sure no one was left.
It wasn't a hard job after all. Small village, small houses, easy to get to, easy to go.

In this short time the water had risen to our knees.
Some of our furniture was ready floating loose in the dirt streets.
Time was the last thing on my mind, but an illuminated clock I had spotted inside an open window read 10:50pm.
It was late.

A blanket of darkness covered our village, with only litte tiny stars that were twinkling the night sky that looked like holes poked through our blanket.
A full moon was out.

Without the flood, this would've probably been a peaceful night, beautiful even.

The night I would’ve probably imagine myself telling Kitkat-- Cathy, how I really feel.
I almost did, but I knew there were much more serious matters involved.
Things were happening right now, and I had to keep my head on the ground.

I saw people here were doing the same, carrying their necessary items, those unable to have any, they knew we would all share with one another.

We don't want any more deaths this year than there needs to be.

I saw Anna, a 30 something lady with her hands full. I approached her and carried her bag of what i guessed baby clothes, blankets and bottles. A basket of food and other nessesities.
Her boy, Eric, was wrapped in multiple white cloths laid asleep in her careful arms. He was her first.

"Thank you Andrew," she smiled looking up at me. She was a short lady, her body form skinny that made her look tall from a distance.

"It's no problem Anna," I replied.

We were all moving faster now, a quite a distance from the river and closer to the place we would cross to safety.
Water still straddled on our knees but descended just a smidge.
My guess is that it sunk down in those holes that were dug to prepare for the deaths we were expecting. But I knew we wouldn't have time.

We started crossing the bridge when I heard men suddenly yelling in different directions, I looked up and saw it coming closer. That wave that was 2 miles away looked like it was so much closer. I looked down and my torso was wet. It was only a matter of minutes before it was up to people's heads.

Anna's husband came into view. He was passing out baskets of blanket and food around as well as the safety we so thought to have.

"I can take it from here." Anna took her things, nodded at me in thanks, and headed over to her husband and people that were sighing in relief that they made it.

I saw Isabelle, mother and other men and women huddled together in safety. It wasn't a time for celebration yet, they still had to keep moving.
I was about to approach them, but suddenly remembered Tom.

Oh shoot.
I cursed under my breath.

He didn't know. They didn't know. They all were...
Stopping my thoughts, I shook my head in regret.

Gritting my teeth, I turned around and started to run to the middle village.
Towards the incoming flood.

Devos

So today, I was doing some devos and bible reading to catch up on all the ones I missed.

1 Peter 5:8-9
He Gets the Last Word
8 Keep a cool head. Stay alert. The Devil is poised to pounce, and would like nothing better than to catch you napping.9 Keep your guard up. You're not the only ones plunged into these hard times. It's the same with Christians all over the world. So keep a firm grip on the faith.

When I read this I was like, "Whoa."
Because, well to be honest, I feel like I was supposedly "napping" and wasn't being alert enough. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting so caught up in the world too much and possibly almost lost sight of what is truly important.
I say almost because I caught myself in this and this is a good thing.
What I thought of when I read this was that I really should stay alert and be aware of what comes to me and shouldn't get distracted. It's pretty straight forward. We should keep our guard up and we should also help other believers do the same.

~

God does command his people to respect others and to treat others with love and dignity. He calls us to be loving and to act justly (Micah 6:8). His Word says, "Try to live in peace with everyone" (Hebrews 12:14). But that doesn't mean that we should call evil "good," and good "evil." It doesn't mean that we should act as if there were no such things as right and wrong.


So just because something seems right, doesn't mean it is. Like oh man that BigMac looks delicious. I remember the first time I had a BigMac... so good.
But doesn't mean it's healthy for you. Sure, it's tempting and delicious at the time, but then after, there's that certain effect it has on you. You feel nauseous and after a few moments your stomach starts to feel ache and you feel pain that you can't even describe.
You then find out, you've made a mistake.


God's Word has not changed. It still gives this command: "Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks you why you're living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy" (1 Peter 3:15, The Message).


For this one, I thought about how if I'm confronted by someone, they ask me, "Why are you Christian?" what answer would I give?
I should've been ready to answer it,not all shove-it-down-your-throat sort of way, but in a respectful manner.
Hmmm.... what would your reply be?

~


1 Peter 3:15-18
15 Through thick and thin, keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your Master. Be ready to speak up and tell anyone who asks why you're living the way you are, and always with the utmost courtesy.16 Keep a clear conscience before God so that when people throw mud at you, none of it will stick. They'll end up realizing that they're the ones who need a bath.17 It's better to suffer for doing good, if that's what God wants, than to be punished for doing bad.18 That's what Christ did definitively: suffered because of others' sins, the Righteous One for the unrighteous ones. He went through it all-was put to death and then made alive-to bring us to God.

~

The answer is to keep our eyes on Jesus, our GPS. He's been through all this before, and he not only knows what's right and wrong, he is right because he's God! If we just keep our eyes on him-by spending time talking to him in prayer, worshiping him alone and with others, and reading his Word every day-a lot of those tough decisions and confusing choices tend to get straightened out. This is not because we're so smart but because he is.


And Amen to that!

"If you are kind only to your friends," Jesus said, "how are you different from anyone else? Even the pagans do that" (Matthew 5:47). But Jesus said we are to be kind even when it's hard because kindness is right-whether it's easy or not.


I mean, it's super easy to be nice to people who give you food, rides to places, money, and treats you like a super awesome friend! (I like those people). It's hardly a challenge to be nice to them.
But when someone comes along and treat you like you're just there and nothing else, they push you around, even bully you sometimes, steal your food!!!
You just feel like you want to punch them or something. Especially when you see them treating someone you love with so much disrespect. Grr.
It's kind of hard when you think, "Okay, so you treat me like that? Expect me to treat you like that. Don't expect me to be nice to you when you treat people badly."
So, you're saying you have to be kind to even THOSE PEOPLE.
Yep. Pretty much. We can't change them, but we can change ourselves.
Maybe if we're nice to them, they'll be nice back. Or maybe they're just lacking a little love. You don't know their story or why they are acting that way so you shouldn't judge them. Love them, like you would love yourself. :)

Remember, that everyone is facing a struggle. You are, she is, he is, etc.
So why don't you be the bigger person this time? Treat them like you would treat your favourite person!! WHOO! Who knows, they might change :)
If not, hey, you blessed them with your love and you would be able to show His glory, as God will shine through you to others!! Yay!! :)


~

So yeah :)
Those are some of my thoughts for today.