Is this what they call it?

They laugh and ridicule me, not aware that what they're saying is not helping in the least bit as I face the most difficult task of my life. I try to hold in my tears, but I can't help it... they all of a sudden come out of my eyes, like a fast river rushing rapidly out of a dam that has been standing past its due date.

Everything, as you know, comes out from the build up of staying strong for too long. I try to block the thoughts from my mind, but they keep coming and coming.
Their words have cut me more than a thousand sharp knives that would be coming all at once. I hear one more remark and bam, like a pounding hammer-- it hits my heart just like that.

I'll try not to say too much. In fact, I may already have.

I brought it onto myself... always stuck in the daydream state. Always too happy, always looking forward to the future, flying through the breeze like a kite and taking it day by day like how I thought you're supposed to.
Maybe I was wrong. Maybe that, that state I was in was when I was so naive was not even far behind me yet.

When you finally realize  and know that it is not always going to turn out how you dream or thought it would be... well, it's that breaking point isn't it? Or perhaps it's not?

My inner self is fighting against the world. As of now... it seems like everybody else is winning.

I'm so pitiful... sad. Why am I like this? Stop attacking me, you devil! Please stop.

They're watching me as I probably have turned into a dying sun. So once full of brightness and shine, is now gone. The beams fade away, the fire burned out, the glory is no more.
I feel minuscule.

Sort of ironic how you can feel so lonely when you're in a room full of people.
Well, that is how I feel right now... I have absolutely no idea who to turn to.

Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I should stop trying to do everything by myself.
They say I'm smart. Has it gone all to my head? I'm not sure... but has it?

Well the time has come to admit.... I can't do it. All. By. Myself.

The tears don't sting so much now... I don't really want anything....

Well maybe one thing.

Help.

The only problem is: I can't bring myself to ask for it.

Been on my mind lately.

If I’m louder, would you see me?
Would you let me lay down
In your arms and rescue me?
‘Cause we are the same
You save me...
When you leave it’s gone again.

And when I see you on the street,
Her in your arms, I get weak.
My body fails, I’m on my knees,
Prayin’...

When you open your arms and hold her close tonight,
It just won’t feel right.
‘Cause I can love you more than this.
When you lay her down,
I might just die inside.
It just don’t feel right.
‘Cause I can love you more than this.




~

Heart drops...

Heart drops.

Thunder shakes.

I don't know if I can ever awake

from this nightmare

that keeps overtaking me

and scratching the record of my symphony.

Why oh why.

Does it always go wrong

once I start to sing

a wonderful song

the staff explodes

causing the lines to break

and quake

under the earth, and my heart

causing it to ache

It's maddening, frustrating

hurtful, I feel like it's deafening

this silence

is so loud that its killing me

like a bullet shot through me

I'm torn.

I'm worn.

Like a million clothes that have been

there, tried, and adorn.

In the end they rip and break.

My world starts to shake.

The cymbals start to clang

louder and louder they go.

It breaks my eardrums

like my heart, oh don't they know?

Already how much sadness I'm feeling.

They screech at me and I can't help but feel pity.

In tantalizing anguish,

I let out a small weak cry,

"Oh woe!"

And nobody knows it

because I'm forced to keep

a happy face, instead of being able to weep

because if I cry, or shout or scream

everything will shatter

like glass that would break

or like inception, in a dream.

I can't.

I'm having such a hard time,

keeping a smile

standing tall, proud,

a star being forced to shine.

Because if I tell you the truth,

well you would obviously know

things won't seem clear or clean

but instead darken

like the heavy ridden slush

instead of the white blanket of snow.

I feel like her now,

well I usually do

always taking the role

of some wispy thin strands

when I know you.

But yet you go, to the thick

and luscious hair.

I'll stand by then.

Stop and stare.

Nothing can help this,

nothing I say.

Why can't God help me?
Whenever I pray.

No matter how hard I try,

I get always pushed down

like the kid that I used to be

bullied, on the playground.

I thought it was over,

yet it still goes on.

Like a haunted house,

haunting thoughts,

haunting songs

They don't know that

tears come down my face all the time.
They don't know because if I show it,

well I... I'll pretend they're not mine.

I can't help but go on

even though this poem is quite long

hurtful words have been said

and are still going on.

Tape plastered on my mouth,

chains wrapped my hands behind my back.

When will the time come

when they cut me some slack?

No wonder it happens, no wonder I see

why those kids and those people end up on the streets.

No wonder they do that, no wonder they fall.

Because it all starts from where you think,

the mindset, the on going brawl.

But I'm better than that,

I won't let that happen.

No matter how much it rains

to cause my heart to dampen.

I promise I won't ever end up like you.

I'll keep in mind what I'll never be

and what I'll always be and what

I can and cannot do.

Because everyone has a choice.

And this is mine.

Although right now at this time

I feel weak and can't seem to move

I won't yet break

no matter how much you don't believe in me

Well, that's what I'll prove.

I'm weak... no I'm strong.

I'll just keep holding on.

I won't, I won't ever give in!!!!

Oh you devil, you seek to destroy.

You seek to kill, punish, oh that you enjoy.

And although right now I'm not in the state.

I won't ever let you

replay my mistakes.

I'm thankful and happy

even though it is tough

because I know I won't break, give in

I have something to believe in

And God believes in me

He knows I'm strong enough.

Even though the world seems like its wrecked

like a desert wasteland

I always find God in the silence

there, to hold my hand.

He brings me comfort

and tries to hug me close

even thought I don't see it or feel it

like most.

I don't go to him first thing I admit.

Even though I know I should

which I will which I will.

I'm not like most I realize.

I shrug it off with weeping tired eyes.

I know I can make it.

I'll show the devil that he can't take away my worth.

It does really help to keep the Word in your mind

in your heart, in your spirit

because it pays you back in kind.

To know what you're made of, what you can do,

and what you're worth.

To know He has already defeated the enemy and you can

crush him down below the earth.

I learn. I'm okay.

I'm fine and content.

Well these difficult situations,

are either hell that broke loose...

or heaven sent!

Depends on how you look at it,

and what you do with them too.

Me?

Yeah, sure I die initially

but I liven up and become anew!

Don't you laugh at this poem,

will it get funny?

Waiting for something silly to come,

like for me to say...

"Pooh bear loves honey!"

When things go wrong,

just don't get sad.

You've been struck by lightning.

But hey, you survived!

So, heck, just be glad!!!

I'm either wise right now,

or I'm being crazy.

There's still a lot to write

though I must leave, I'm not just being lazy.

In totality, I learned already so much.

This horrible, terrifying past week

oh, it was just my luck.

A blessing actually because of

what felt solved.

At least one thing has changed,

if not possibly evolved.

I don't know where this road leads

but I am going for it!
Not knowing where it takes me

but just trusting with faith

I'll risk it all because I only live this one life on earth

So I'll make the most of it

and serve people, love, live, and laugh

Hearts will rise,

Thunder shakes.

To keep me aware when I am not so awake

from an ongoing dream

That I will strive to be

with God as my maestro, as I play my symphony.

------

April 8. 3am.
Original Poem.
From the Heart.

Mayday

It's been a while I think, but I do miss blogging.

I had quite a mental breakdown today I admit. The day started off mellow and cool, woke up later than I usually wake up, but still was pretty calm and happy.

Suddenly, everything felt like they just crashed into me all at once. Then and there, I felt like I was deep underwater. Not the wade-in-your-pool-happy-go-lucky type where you take a deep breath and see how long you can stay under that smooth cool sanctuary. It felt as if by trying to catch a wave, you were carried off into some disastrous maelstrom. You're suddenly on a ship and you realize that you're trying to catch something so grand and so large that it is seemingly impossible.

You break away from the crew and start to clutch the edge of the stern of the ship while the rain is pounding hard on you and the clouds are darkening as if they weren't already daunting before.
"Abandon ship! Abandon ship!" the voice in your head screams loud for you and only you to hear. Your crew, you as the captain, are running everywhere. It's a nightmare. They're at the stern and look to you for your guidance, advice, command, anything to say for them to do. But you find your mouth dry, parched, and words are the last thing able to exit from your mouth.

Looking down into the oceanic abyss below, the waves are breaking violently with such great impact that one thought of jumping down would be destruction.
So you try to do the only thing you can do, that of which you know.

Grabbing the harpoon, you push your way through the worried and stricken crew and without thinking like you usually tactically do, you launch it into the air hoping it would hit your ever so desired target. It would be hard to miss, because it is just so huge.
A whale, for pete's sake, it's a whale. You can't miss.

But something so huge, so easy yet so difficult to take on.

Where did the harpoon fly off too? The wind is so vigorous and persistent it is almost brings me fatigue. I squint my eyes looking off into the distance not minding that I already acquired a deep gash in my hands from clutching the weapon so tightly and shakily. Recklessness.

One of my crew mates rested their hand on my shoulder, it felt cool on my bare skin. Was it meant to reassure? I didn't look back at him and walked on forward pressing my waist on the edge, still trying to find it. The hand left my shoulder, and I never felt it again.
I felt as though this war is not over yet. Another wave attacks the ship, sending bits of wood flying everywhere. This goes on for what seems like agonizing hours, but I pull through. A figure is finally distinguishable and I ask myself, did the harpoon manage to slay as intended?

~

It went on like it felt that way at least. Wasted time when I could have just listened to either that voice in my head to abandon ship or to that cooling hand on my shoulder telling me to let go and just relax, there's a safer place in the other direction, why don't you just turn the wheel and we can forget about this all?

It turns out that while I was too busy trying to 'slay that beast' I ended up slaying myself instead. I thought too much, I thought too little.

If I had only looked behind me and acknowledged that hand, that helping hand answering to my Mayday situation, everything would've been a lot less complicated and easier to dealt with.
The hand had left my shoulder and stood there with one last and final goodbye. The crew wanted to leave to a more tranquil place, to leave this destructive and noisy place where every moment feels tantalizing. But that one faithful crew member stayed and wanted to see if the 'captain' would go with them. He didn't want to leave me behind despite the saying, 'the captain goes down with his ship'. But I didn't listen. With one last final look of sadness and remorse, the final crew member turned away and jumped into the last escape boat and paddled away far into peace and sunlight.

Then again I didn't listen to abandon ship at the most crucial time. I didn't jump overboard into the crashing waves that would've destroyed me if I plunged in. Who was that voice? Isn't it obvious?

~

The facts and deep philosophical thoughts of life had come streaming into my mind as tears down my eyes into the heavy, yet calming warm water from the familiar shower head.

Many realizations came to mind and I do not wish to forget it, but remember all that I thought because it is true. Wish I had this knowledge that was somehow buried in my mind that I have dug up again from before. Would've been useful in my situation. But that moment has passed now.

I blink in there, were those thoughts really real? Or were they just an aberration of the mind?
Everything is so complex that I pray about it, which is the initial response which I should have done in the first place.

~

After a while, I finally figured it out. It was late timing, but I am thankful that it was better late than never.

The harpoon missed the whale by the way. It was close to its skin, but missed and passed by beside it and ended up jamming into the rock in which it can never be reclaimed. This was the result of the lack of understanding and concentration. The lack of guidance, the lack of prayer.
I had ended up alone instead on that ship, the storm still ongoing but without my supporting crew members to try and comfort me. They have all left me be.

Now, well I have learned many lessons and am thankful for this opportunity that will better prepare me for all the other difficulties to come.

I had spoken on this message a while ago, on difficulties. It was an inspiring time, where spirits are high and joy is evident.

There's always going to be something like this coming my way, can't stop it, it's nature. But true success on it is not the time frame in which you make it right away or the result on which you seek. But how you get there, how you get through the situations and how you handle them.
And sometimes, it's not going to go your way. But even though they knock you down, still remember not to break because those are the moments you are going to remember most. And when you do, you'll keep going.

Be strong, keep holding on, learn. And most importantly. Pray.

~

In time, I turned out fine. I'm okay right now aren't I? Happy and not burdensome writing this blog post.
Although I know I can't take back the time spent staying on that ship. But I can take the knowledge acquired and use it for something better that will come in which I proclaim.
I won't spend so much time in that ship of sorrow, battling things all by myself and waiting for the harpoon to hit. But know when it is time to let go, let loose, and find myself and my heart waiting for me some place where there is white sand, blue skies, and gentle waves coming on and off the shore.

Even if it is not where my map takes me. Even if it is not where people say I should go.
I look to my compass, and see that its spinning wildly unsure of where to go, sometimes how my mind is.

Then I look up to the stars, blinking brightly, constant in position every night ready to help me find my way with its carefully placed out constellations and directions.

Of course. He's there too.

Not in the violent loud winds or the powerful pushing waters. But in the stillness, the calmness and the quiet.

“Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold; I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched…My eyes fail, looking for my God.” Psalm 69:1-3

I take in a deep breath of fresh air as I had washed into the shore. I am here. I am safe now. I stop trying to find the answers by myself and just relax everything.

The light breeze cools my face unlike the harsh wind. Everything is still. Quiet.

I pray.

Opening my eyes I spot figures in the distance coming toward me.

My crew has returned.