My body clock woke me up at 6am, before my alarm at 6:15am. I stayed in bed for a half an hour longer as I felt I wasn't used to being awake at this time. After I recovered, at 6:45am I got up and started prepping my apple cider vinegar shot and my lemon water as I took my Silicon + Collagen shot. I washed my face and got refreshed. I started making my Beet Latte with probiotics after that, then my oatmeal with avocado and boiled egg + moringa + cayenne pepper for taste. I felt really good being productive first thing in the morning without being interrupted by chatty conversations and feeling like I had to pretend to be someone else. It was nice being myself for a change. I felt like it was something to share about on this blog, something that I am proud of doing and being for once. I read a bit of my Bible, specifically Proverbs 9, as it is March 9, 2019 today. I also read my parents email about how they love me and how reassured it made me felt that they were willing to support me as long as God is the center. That made me think about how I can glorify God in my life & what changes I need to do to make that happen. That will be my question I will think about for the rest of the day. How can I do it in my workplace, my career, my relationships, with how I live. I want to be constantly thinking about how I can glorify Him in everything. Because that is me, and that is who I am and who I want to be - a woman of God- a woman of praise and a woman of worth and of love.
Having these couple days with a break from the world in the evening have been amazing. Being in bed by 9pm and sleeping by 10pm- man, I think it is doing wonders for my skin. And having this time in the morning to read, self reflect, make something, and just be prepared overall is the best feeling ever. I don't feel particularly rushed or exhausted because I was able to get proper rest. I am feeling like myself again. Interacting with people I care about, taking the time to help others, prioritizing what is important in my life and actually making a plan to do it, and finding the time to rest. I feel like I am actually doing my 15minutes of morning pages now- something that I've been wanting to do since I moved here. I am actually doing it! And that is worthy of celebrating.
I am grateful for many things. I am grateful for God, who loves me and who looks out for me. I am grateful for my family and my friends. I am grateful for the ability to pay rent downtown and the ability to work my multiple jobs at a luxury high performance Gym, representing a nutritional health store/smoothie bar at their locations and events, being able to represent other brands and help them win, and also being able to work on set- even in the background for now. It makes me happy to make time in the morning to write, to read, to clean, to stretch even. To be able to do this kind of thing is great.
Today's intention is to bask in gratitude. To be grateful for all that I have today and all that I went through to be here. And to also think about how I can glorify God in my everyday life. I am excited for what this day will bring, especially this evening after work, which I get the opportunity to organize and get things done. I hope to play a little bit of music before bedtime tonight as well. Because it is bedtime by 9/10pm and the goal is to wake up early in the morning and to go to the gym before church! Then work again!
Speaking off, better scurry so I can make a boxing workout!
Yours truly,
J
Saturday, March 9, 2019
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
Conflict
Why can't we just live in a world where everyone accepts each other for who they are?
Why must the difference between religion, gender, and race make things so complicated whenever there's a conflict?
The past few days I've had to experience this kind of conflict. Although not to the extremes, I can still feel the tension and the internal battle between these differences.
Why can't two different beliefs find love?
Why can't two different sexes be friends?
And why can't two different cultures or races go out in public together?
What is wrong with these differences?
Please comment below and tell me. Why.
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
Honest Fears & Returning Here
I find myself returning here whenever I feel alone.
How can someone with so many "friends" and know so many "people" and have so many people who "love & care" for them feel this lonesome?
"Message me if you ever need to talk," "Call me if you need me," - are just a couple of phrases that I often hear from people who claim to be there.
I get it- I'm an adult. People have their own thing to do and can't always be there or check on me. But usually these are the times I feel the most loneliest. When I feel like there's no one there to check on me or make sure I'm okay.
"I'm busy" is honestly just an excuse because one will make time for the people they care about most.
Quite frankly, I am scared to reach out to people. Maybe I'm also scared they'll think I'm crazy. Maybe I'm just insecure that eventually they won't be there anymore and will fade away. Maybe I just love too much.
Maybe I just don't think I can reach out to certain people because of all the above.
Truth is I don't know if I can open up myself to the hurt again, because every time I trust- it eventually just ends up ending like everything else.
I guess I feel hurt. I don't know exactly how to communicate my needs- because as much as I hate to admit it, I hate feeling needy. I'd rather feel needed. And lately, I don't feel needed at all. And it sucks. It sucks having this much love to give and not reciprocated.
It's a double edged sword honestly.
Party A loves Party B. Party A loves Party B too much and Party B takes Party A for granted.
Age old formula that happens time and time again.
I would know. I've lived it. Been Party B for most of my life. And now am turning into Party freaking A. And being Party freaking A sucks.
On another note,
Everything reminds me of my parents. And I hate it. And I wish to escape it. But I can't.
Because for some reason, it all keeps coming back to them. I feel haunted. Is it because of guilt?
Is it because of love? Is it because of obligation? Responsibility? What? Because I don't freaking know.
On another note,
How am I possibly to open up to someone about this kind of thing when no one is freaking available to be there for me when I need someone the most? I'm constantly scared of screwing things up because I know for a fact that actions speak louder than words and so far actions freaking don't match up. I'm scared that I am overreacting and this whole thing will just blow up like it always does but I really really really don't want it to.
So I'm walking on egg-shells. Trying to be careful. Mainly because I've been so reckless with my actions. So I'm walking on thin ice because earlier, I jumped too much and everything just started to crack.
So please.
Maybe just tell me it's alright. That I'm alright. That we're alright.
Because I am insecure. Because I am scared. And because despite everything that was said and done, I still feel alone.
Signing off,
J.
How can someone with so many "friends" and know so many "people" and have so many people who "love & care" for them feel this lonesome?
"Message me if you ever need to talk," "Call me if you need me," - are just a couple of phrases that I often hear from people who claim to be there.
I get it- I'm an adult. People have their own thing to do and can't always be there or check on me. But usually these are the times I feel the most loneliest. When I feel like there's no one there to check on me or make sure I'm okay.
"I'm busy" is honestly just an excuse because one will make time for the people they care about most.
Quite frankly, I am scared to reach out to people. Maybe I'm also scared they'll think I'm crazy. Maybe I'm just insecure that eventually they won't be there anymore and will fade away. Maybe I just love too much.
Maybe I just don't think I can reach out to certain people because of all the above.
Truth is I don't know if I can open up myself to the hurt again, because every time I trust- it eventually just ends up ending like everything else.
I guess I feel hurt. I don't know exactly how to communicate my needs- because as much as I hate to admit it, I hate feeling needy. I'd rather feel needed. And lately, I don't feel needed at all. And it sucks. It sucks having this much love to give and not reciprocated.
It's a double edged sword honestly.
Party A loves Party B. Party A loves Party B too much and Party B takes Party A for granted.
Age old formula that happens time and time again.
I would know. I've lived it. Been Party B for most of my life. And now am turning into Party freaking A. And being Party freaking A sucks.
On another note,
Everything reminds me of my parents. And I hate it. And I wish to escape it. But I can't.
Because for some reason, it all keeps coming back to them. I feel haunted. Is it because of guilt?
Is it because of love? Is it because of obligation? Responsibility? What? Because I don't freaking know.
On another note,
How am I possibly to open up to someone about this kind of thing when no one is freaking available to be there for me when I need someone the most? I'm constantly scared of screwing things up because I know for a fact that actions speak louder than words and so far actions freaking don't match up. I'm scared that I am overreacting and this whole thing will just blow up like it always does but I really really really don't want it to.
So I'm walking on egg-shells. Trying to be careful. Mainly because I've been so reckless with my actions. So I'm walking on thin ice because earlier, I jumped too much and everything just started to crack.
So please.
Maybe just tell me it's alright. That I'm alright. That we're alright.
Because I am insecure. Because I am scared. And because despite everything that was said and done, I still feel alone.
Signing off,
J.
Monday, January 15, 2018
Moving Forward in the Hurt
This 2018, I meant to put a positive spin into The Strawberry Avalanche.
Unfortunately there will always be hurt and there will always be pain.
The people who don't know me don't know that I already went through tons of hurt and tons of pain so that I try to make things less painless for other people. It doesn't align with me if I bring hurt and pain on the table. It ends up not doing any good to anyone or even to myself. Moving forward, it may be best to continue to be kind and continue to be compassionate despite all the hurt and the pain. To continue to help each other out in the best way possible while trying to keep our boundaries and respect each other.
Signing off,
x J
Unfortunately there will always be hurt and there will always be pain.
The people who don't know me don't know that I already went through tons of hurt and tons of pain so that I try to make things less painless for other people. It doesn't align with me if I bring hurt and pain on the table. It ends up not doing any good to anyone or even to myself. Moving forward, it may be best to continue to be kind and continue to be compassionate despite all the hurt and the pain. To continue to help each other out in the best way possible while trying to keep our boundaries and respect each other.
Signing off,
x J
Monday, October 16, 2017
What's the Point
What is the point of it all if you don't have anyone to share it with. When the people whom you love are so far away from you and you barely see them it feels like your heart is shattered into a million pieces. What's the point when you don't know who to tell your dreams, your fears, and your achievements with. What's the point if you're just going to be all alone. What's the point if you feel like nobody really knows who you are. What's the point if you keep moving and going places. What's the point if all you see is strangers. What's the point if everybody is just selfish.
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Division
So my parents just left Vancouver, the place I'm currently residing. I suddenly felt a wave of sadness overcome me. I felt very empty and wanted a longing for companionship, even though I consider myself a very independent person. This month would be considered a month of joy. Because it is about new beginnings, refocusing, restructuring, endings, and the like. And I say this because I just turned 21, graduated from an intense program, and moved out of a place I didn't like and into a new one. Everything right now should be perfect and idyllic, but instead I find myself circling back to the same place I was long time ago- feeling lonely, isolated, and back writing to this ever faithful blog that is the Strawberry Avalanche. Writing to you, still wondering if there is anyone out there willing to read these stories. Stories of pure passion, joy, sadness, fear, and anger. Stories of intense emotion, and lovely little anecdotes.
I still feel like my heart is being ripped into a million pieces. Wondering why the people I truly love are so far away, and the people I don't care about are so near. Did I do this to myself for fear of losing people I care about? I don't even know why I put myself in these types of situations. Facing the truth really sucks, and I can see why a ton of people avoid it. They avoid facing the truth of themselves to probably avoid feeling these sucky feelings I'm currently feeling.
Anyways, I'm sorry dear readers if this blog post isn't as story-like as I usually write. I just really needed to get my emotions out in the open. I'm a very different person than who I was years ago in a very different place- more candid and honest. I'm not quite sure if this is the person I would like to be. But I am working on progressing and moving forward now. Moving forward from the things I cannot change and letting go. Moving towards not being divided in what I am called to do or with where I am, or being divided with family. There will be a time when everything will finally come together. It is my hope to find togetherness and love.
There will be a time where I will be able to put my writings, media skills, acting skills, and everything into one. And that time will come very soon- I can feel it happening. :)
signing off,
the strawberry avalanche girl
I still feel like my heart is being ripped into a million pieces. Wondering why the people I truly love are so far away, and the people I don't care about are so near. Did I do this to myself for fear of losing people I care about? I don't even know why I put myself in these types of situations. Facing the truth really sucks, and I can see why a ton of people avoid it. They avoid facing the truth of themselves to probably avoid feeling these sucky feelings I'm currently feeling.
Anyways, I'm sorry dear readers if this blog post isn't as story-like as I usually write. I just really needed to get my emotions out in the open. I'm a very different person than who I was years ago in a very different place- more candid and honest. I'm not quite sure if this is the person I would like to be. But I am working on progressing and moving forward now. Moving forward from the things I cannot change and letting go. Moving towards not being divided in what I am called to do or with where I am, or being divided with family. There will be a time when everything will finally come together. It is my hope to find togetherness and love.
There will be a time where I will be able to put my writings, media skills, acting skills, and everything into one. And that time will come very soon- I can feel it happening. :)
signing off,
the strawberry avalanche girl
Wednesday, May 10, 2017
Confusion Avalanche
Clearly its been a year since my last blogpost.
There's good reason for that I suppose.
I have underwent a lot of changes since then. I'm much older, wiser, and mature... and just overall way different. I am starting to question who I am on a much deeper level and it is scaring me to the point that I decided to act out of character today and not attend class at a school that I am paying for.
Again, I have no idea if anyone will actually read this, but I just felt like I needed to tell someone.
Emotional outbursts that I have experienced 6 years ago have resurfaced and upon confiding these feelings to someone who was there, I feel a mix of confusion, regret, and embarrassment.
Confusion- because it was brought to my attention as to why I am experiencing these totally valid human emotions.
Regret- because I am confiding these things to a person whom I wanted to keep distance with and not overburden my problems with and who I perceive to be too young to understand.
Embarrassment- because it just doesn't save face and makes me look foolish and stupid, with me further admitting it over and over again.
I also do not like how honest this blog post has become and how lack of sugarcoating it has. I would also say how uncomfortable I am emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. My deltoids and lower back are really sore due to yesterday's movement class, a lot of cardio and a lot of yoga that I am not simply used to anymore.
Anyways, I am writing you, Strawberry Avalanche, because of feeling like I have nowhere else to turn to. I am stressed and overwhelmed and my perception is constantly changing where I seek something constant in my life and also seek something outside of the bounds. I am not sure as a person who to talk to about this or how to possibly deal with this because I am still confused, regretful, and embarrassed about everything. I don't know what I can possibly do right now except for pray and hope for the best. Hopefully tomorrow will be better as I recover from all these things that are going on in my life.
I just have to remind myself who I am. I am smart, I am kind, I am wonderful, and a blessing to others. Positive affirmations always go a long way.
Yet I still feel so warped in a reality that I don't know I can trust just yet.
Today in my recovery day I should just keep going. Clean up my act, review my lines for Friday, and review my lines for tomorrow. But I just feel like I can't keep up with all these roles anymore.
Of a girl who is struggling to take care of herself all the time, be a good housemate, be a fabulous stylist, be a great classmate, on-top-of-her-game student, normal friend, singer-songwriter, actor (who plays legitimately at least 10 different characters all week), good church member, a good daughter. I just don't know if I can keep up this act anymore, it's driving me absolutely nuts that my mind is all jumbled. Like really, what can my current friends possibly do to help me? What can my family members possibly do to help me? What can I do to help me?
There's only one person who I can confidently turn to, so why haven't I yet? Jesus? Yep.
Apologies to the readers if this post doesn't make any sense. I'll call it my first ever "Adult" post. Because it is true, it is my first post as a true adult.
So welcome to adulthood, sweetheart. I hope you enjoy the ride that is this Confusion Avalanche.
P.S. Today I have decided to cut off all contact with everyone I know. This sounds mad. It is mad. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
There's good reason for that I suppose.
I have underwent a lot of changes since then. I'm much older, wiser, and mature... and just overall way different. I am starting to question who I am on a much deeper level and it is scaring me to the point that I decided to act out of character today and not attend class at a school that I am paying for.
Again, I have no idea if anyone will actually read this, but I just felt like I needed to tell someone.
Emotional outbursts that I have experienced 6 years ago have resurfaced and upon confiding these feelings to someone who was there, I feel a mix of confusion, regret, and embarrassment.
Confusion- because it was brought to my attention as to why I am experiencing these totally valid human emotions.
Regret- because I am confiding these things to a person whom I wanted to keep distance with and not overburden my problems with and who I perceive to be too young to understand.
Embarrassment- because it just doesn't save face and makes me look foolish and stupid, with me further admitting it over and over again.
I also do not like how honest this blog post has become and how lack of sugarcoating it has. I would also say how uncomfortable I am emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and physically. My deltoids and lower back are really sore due to yesterday's movement class, a lot of cardio and a lot of yoga that I am not simply used to anymore.
Anyways, I am writing you, Strawberry Avalanche, because of feeling like I have nowhere else to turn to. I am stressed and overwhelmed and my perception is constantly changing where I seek something constant in my life and also seek something outside of the bounds. I am not sure as a person who to talk to about this or how to possibly deal with this because I am still confused, regretful, and embarrassed about everything. I don't know what I can possibly do right now except for pray and hope for the best. Hopefully tomorrow will be better as I recover from all these things that are going on in my life.
I just have to remind myself who I am. I am smart, I am kind, I am wonderful, and a blessing to others. Positive affirmations always go a long way.
Yet I still feel so warped in a reality that I don't know I can trust just yet.
Today in my recovery day I should just keep going. Clean up my act, review my lines for Friday, and review my lines for tomorrow. But I just feel like I can't keep up with all these roles anymore.
Of a girl who is struggling to take care of herself all the time, be a good housemate, be a fabulous stylist, be a great classmate, on-top-of-her-game student, normal friend, singer-songwriter, actor (who plays legitimately at least 10 different characters all week), good church member, a good daughter. I just don't know if I can keep up this act anymore, it's driving me absolutely nuts that my mind is all jumbled. Like really, what can my current friends possibly do to help me? What can my family members possibly do to help me? What can I do to help me?
There's only one person who I can confidently turn to, so why haven't I yet? Jesus? Yep.
Apologies to the readers if this post doesn't make any sense. I'll call it my first ever "Adult" post. Because it is true, it is my first post as a true adult.
So welcome to adulthood, sweetheart. I hope you enjoy the ride that is this Confusion Avalanche.
P.S. Today I have decided to cut off all contact with everyone I know. This sounds mad. It is mad. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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