Conflict.

I am in conflict with myself.

I think things one way, then go another way. Like ice cream, if you may.

I say that I like vanilla, it's my favourite flavour, because it is so simple, light, and has a nice taste. Then I say that I hate vanilla because it's so plain and boring.

But my favourite flavour is Pistachio of course. My close friends know that :)

But conflict.

I stare at the thing that's constantly on my mind, yet not at the same time. I should make a choice, but I can't.
Because not everything goes your way, it takes its own path, and own way. You can't follow it and expect it to listen to you, or follow your guidlines, your rules for life.

You think that you're the director, or script writer, you write the entire movie in your mind,

scenes, the actions, the words, etc. Even the transitions are all fixed in your mind.

Then you suddenly get disappointed. When the camera angles that you had written down don't work out, or you see that it's not your vision.

The actors that you wanted, are not the actors you have. Somehow, the world just hired someone else for the job.

Your script, the lines that you wrote in your mind. Nobody decides to follow them.

You're helpless.

But the thing is. You're not the director.

I'm not the director.

I have come to realize in my own thoughts and words that it's not even my movie.

I only play a small part in it.

But I still should fulfill my part with excellence and absolute best. Contribute to the movie. Play my part. Because in every movie, everybody has a part to play. They should play it.

What would people do without the lighting people? The makeup people? The costume people?

Yeah, I know that most people, skip the credits, or don't even pay attention to them. But each person, down to the donut guy (maybe.. if they delivered donuts good), are in the credits.

You're still there. You played your part, you helped make the movie happen, you're there.

Not forgotten.

People don't pay attention to the credits, sure... But do you really care what they think?

Isn't it your life? And not theirs.

Do your absolute best in life. Trust, have faith.

You might have trust or faith issues because of things that have happened in the past, or the situations that you were in. I understand that.

But trust me, I've been there... I know what it's like.

I say to myself repeatedly, "I can't trust anymore, or I can't this.. I can't that.."

But I do anyways.

Because I know that, it's right.

I can't help it.

But anyways, conflict.

Have you ever wanted to do something so badly, but you didn't?

I have, and sometimes I deeply regret it.

I keep reminding myself, you only live once, so make it count. Just do it.

Even if the whole entire world will judge you.

Because in the end, you might regret it. I did.

"Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."

I didn't know it at first, but I let fear keep me from things I should've experienced, or gotten.

Now, I regret my actions....

You get that thought at the back of your mind thinking,

"What if...?"

What if I had said something?

What if I did that?
What if? What if? What if?

Do you ever think that you wish you had said something, but didn't? Or have you said something, but wish you didn't?

I'm sure we all have thought that.

It's so scary though.

I'm afraid.

What if I did say something? What if I didn't?

Would things still be alright?

I suddenly feel like a vulnerable child in the corner. I just want everything to be alright.

Fear. Yeah, it sucks.

Faith & Trust.

You need those two things.

Stop with the madness.. Stop with the Fear and Doubt. Stop it.

It's annoying.

But you're thinking... Yeah, but what if I trust? What if I had faith? I get hurt anyways! I get hurt so bad that I feel like I have 1000 knives getting shoved in different parts of my body. Down my throat, up my side... Then comes the splashing of blood. I feel like I'm about to explode.

It sucks so much when that happens. But you can't help it. No one can.

Or maybe... I don't know.

It hurts so much that you don't want to trust or put faith in anything or anyone anymore. Because you're done with all the pain.

Well you know what? Suck it up.

You have to toughen it out.

Well, Jane, harsh much? You silly girl, you don't know what you're talking about! You don't know about pain. You're so young. How could you possibly know?

Well readers, just 2hrs ago, I spent 1hr crying the bathroom.

I have dealt with many things you don't know about. And honestly, while I was crying, I didn't want to toughen up or suck it up. I felt weak. I just wanted to cry and give up right then and there.

I didn't want to trust, or have faith or anything. I felt that I should guard myself. Not let anything happen anymore and stay in that little corner.

But is that living life?

I got out of the bathroom and stopped crying.

Music has a powerful impact on me. I started playing my violin and tears came streaming down my face as past memories came to mind. Flashbacks of situations that brought me plenty of misfortune and hurt.

It wasn't a walk in the park.

It was more like a rainy day... with thunder and lightning flashing in all directions. Everything hitting you at once. Like a part of you, or most of you have died inside.

I don't want to try anymore. I give up, you think.

No. Don't say that. As tough as it might be, there's always hope.

My friends.

After that hour of crying, I sat with my grandma and watched some tv with her a little. It felt comforting.

I walked up the stairs and my best friend was online :) I spoke with her and a smile lit up my face. All my worries were suddenly far from my mind. It gave me a sense of happiness and I forgot everything that I cried about and thought about.

I guess that's the lesson here.

I trust her. I had faith in her.

Maybe that's the answer. Maybe it's not.

But if I had lived in fear and doubt... if I was afraid of meeting people, making friends, because of a hurt from a past life... I wouldn't have a best friend. I wouldn't have that person that can make me smile without effort. I wouldn't be happy.

If I keep on doubting people. If I don't believe in them.

I shall eventually lose it all. Lose hope. Lose love. Lose life.
I shall break down and lose that sense of living and just want to die.

But no.

I trust. I believe. Faith. I love.

That's why everything's okay.

That's why I'm fine.

I'm okay.

The conflict is gone, and I assure myself everything is okay.

Now it may come back, but all I have to do is have faith and trust.

Thank you readers.

You rock my socks. xD

Goodnight.