I find myself returning here whenever I feel alone.
How can someone with so many "friends" and know so many "people" and have so many people who "love & care" for them feel this lonesome?
"Message me if you ever need to talk," "Call me if you need me," - are just a couple of phrases that I often hear from people who claim to be there.
I get it- I'm an adult. People have their own thing to do and can't always be there or check on me. But usually these are the times I feel the most loneliest. When I feel like there's no one there to check on me or make sure I'm okay.
"I'm busy" is honestly just an excuse because one will make time for the people they care about most.
Quite frankly, I am scared to reach out to people. Maybe I'm also scared they'll think I'm crazy. Maybe I'm just insecure that eventually they won't be there anymore and will fade away. Maybe I just love too much.
Maybe I just don't think I can reach out to certain people because of all the above.
Truth is I don't know if I can open up myself to the hurt again, because every time I trust- it eventually just ends up ending like everything else.
I guess I feel hurt. I don't know exactly how to communicate my needs- because as much as I hate to admit it, I hate feeling needy. I'd rather feel needed. And lately, I don't feel needed at all. And it sucks. It sucks having this much love to give and not reciprocated.
It's a double edged sword honestly.
Party A loves Party B. Party A loves Party B too much and Party B takes Party A for granted.
Age old formula that happens time and time again.
I would know. I've lived it. Been Party B for most of my life. And now am turning into Party freaking A. And being Party freaking A sucks.
On another note,
Everything reminds me of my parents. And I hate it. And I wish to escape it. But I can't.
Because for some reason, it all keeps coming back to them. I feel haunted. Is it because of guilt?
Is it because of love? Is it because of obligation? Responsibility? What? Because I don't freaking know.
On another note,
How am I possibly to open up to someone about this kind of thing when no one is freaking available to be there for me when I need someone the most? I'm constantly scared of screwing things up because I know for a fact that actions speak louder than words and so far actions freaking don't match up. I'm scared that I am overreacting and this whole thing will just blow up like it always does but I really really really don't want it to.
So I'm walking on egg-shells. Trying to be careful. Mainly because I've been so reckless with my actions. So I'm walking on thin ice because earlier, I jumped too much and everything just started to crack.
So please.
Maybe just tell me it's alright. That I'm alright. That we're alright.
Because I am insecure. Because I am scared. And because despite everything that was said and done, I still feel alone.
Signing off,
J.
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