Heart drops...

Heart drops.

Thunder shakes.

I don't know if I can ever awake

from this nightmare

that keeps overtaking me

and scratching the record of my symphony.

Why oh why.

Does it always go wrong

once I start to sing

a wonderful song

the staff explodes

causing the lines to break

and quake

under the earth, and my heart

causing it to ache

It's maddening, frustrating

hurtful, I feel like it's deafening

this silence

is so loud that its killing me

like a bullet shot through me

I'm torn.

I'm worn.

Like a million clothes that have been

there, tried, and adorn.

In the end they rip and break.

My world starts to shake.

The cymbals start to clang

louder and louder they go.

It breaks my eardrums

like my heart, oh don't they know?

Already how much sadness I'm feeling.

They screech at me and I can't help but feel pity.

In tantalizing anguish,

I let out a small weak cry,

"Oh woe!"

And nobody knows it

because I'm forced to keep

a happy face, instead of being able to weep

because if I cry, or shout or scream

everything will shatter

like glass that would break

or like inception, in a dream.

I can't.

I'm having such a hard time,

keeping a smile

standing tall, proud,

a star being forced to shine.

Because if I tell you the truth,

well you would obviously know

things won't seem clear or clean

but instead darken

like the heavy ridden slush

instead of the white blanket of snow.

I feel like her now,

well I usually do

always taking the role

of some wispy thin strands

when I know you.

But yet you go, to the thick

and luscious hair.

I'll stand by then.

Stop and stare.

Nothing can help this,

nothing I say.

Why can't God help me?
Whenever I pray.

No matter how hard I try,

I get always pushed down

like the kid that I used to be

bullied, on the playground.

I thought it was over,

yet it still goes on.

Like a haunted house,

haunting thoughts,

haunting songs

They don't know that

tears come down my face all the time.
They don't know because if I show it,

well I... I'll pretend they're not mine.

I can't help but go on

even though this poem is quite long

hurtful words have been said

and are still going on.

Tape plastered on my mouth,

chains wrapped my hands behind my back.

When will the time come

when they cut me some slack?

No wonder it happens, no wonder I see

why those kids and those people end up on the streets.

No wonder they do that, no wonder they fall.

Because it all starts from where you think,

the mindset, the on going brawl.

But I'm better than that,

I won't let that happen.

No matter how much it rains

to cause my heart to dampen.

I promise I won't ever end up like you.

I'll keep in mind what I'll never be

and what I'll always be and what

I can and cannot do.

Because everyone has a choice.

And this is mine.

Although right now at this time

I feel weak and can't seem to move

I won't yet break

no matter how much you don't believe in me

Well, that's what I'll prove.

I'm weak... no I'm strong.

I'll just keep holding on.

I won't, I won't ever give in!!!!

Oh you devil, you seek to destroy.

You seek to kill, punish, oh that you enjoy.

And although right now I'm not in the state.

I won't ever let you

replay my mistakes.

I'm thankful and happy

even though it is tough

because I know I won't break, give in

I have something to believe in

And God believes in me

He knows I'm strong enough.

Even though the world seems like its wrecked

like a desert wasteland

I always find God in the silence

there, to hold my hand.

He brings me comfort

and tries to hug me close

even thought I don't see it or feel it

like most.

I don't go to him first thing I admit.

Even though I know I should

which I will which I will.

I'm not like most I realize.

I shrug it off with weeping tired eyes.

I know I can make it.

I'll show the devil that he can't take away my worth.

It does really help to keep the Word in your mind

in your heart, in your spirit

because it pays you back in kind.

To know what you're made of, what you can do,

and what you're worth.

To know He has already defeated the enemy and you can

crush him down below the earth.

I learn. I'm okay.

I'm fine and content.

Well these difficult situations,

are either hell that broke loose...

or heaven sent!

Depends on how you look at it,

and what you do with them too.

Me?

Yeah, sure I die initially

but I liven up and become anew!

Don't you laugh at this poem,

will it get funny?

Waiting for something silly to come,

like for me to say...

"Pooh bear loves honey!"

When things go wrong,

just don't get sad.

You've been struck by lightning.

But hey, you survived!

So, heck, just be glad!!!

I'm either wise right now,

or I'm being crazy.

There's still a lot to write

though I must leave, I'm not just being lazy.

In totality, I learned already so much.

This horrible, terrifying past week

oh, it was just my luck.

A blessing actually because of

what felt solved.

At least one thing has changed,

if not possibly evolved.

I don't know where this road leads

but I am going for it!
Not knowing where it takes me

but just trusting with faith

I'll risk it all because I only live this one life on earth

So I'll make the most of it

and serve people, love, live, and laugh

Hearts will rise,

Thunder shakes.

To keep me aware when I am not so awake

from an ongoing dream

That I will strive to be

with God as my maestro, as I play my symphony.

------

April 8. 3am.
Original Poem.
From the Heart.