Mayday

It's been a while I think, but I do miss blogging.

I had quite a mental breakdown today I admit. The day started off mellow and cool, woke up later than I usually wake up, but still was pretty calm and happy.

Suddenly, everything felt like they just crashed into me all at once. Then and there, I felt like I was deep underwater. Not the wade-in-your-pool-happy-go-lucky type where you take a deep breath and see how long you can stay under that smooth cool sanctuary. It felt as if by trying to catch a wave, you were carried off into some disastrous maelstrom. You're suddenly on a ship and you realize that you're trying to catch something so grand and so large that it is seemingly impossible.

You break away from the crew and start to clutch the edge of the stern of the ship while the rain is pounding hard on you and the clouds are darkening as if they weren't already daunting before.
"Abandon ship! Abandon ship!" the voice in your head screams loud for you and only you to hear. Your crew, you as the captain, are running everywhere. It's a nightmare. They're at the stern and look to you for your guidance, advice, command, anything to say for them to do. But you find your mouth dry, parched, and words are the last thing able to exit from your mouth.

Looking down into the oceanic abyss below, the waves are breaking violently with such great impact that one thought of jumping down would be destruction.
So you try to do the only thing you can do, that of which you know.

Grabbing the harpoon, you push your way through the worried and stricken crew and without thinking like you usually tactically do, you launch it into the air hoping it would hit your ever so desired target. It would be hard to miss, because it is just so huge.
A whale, for pete's sake, it's a whale. You can't miss.

But something so huge, so easy yet so difficult to take on.

Where did the harpoon fly off too? The wind is so vigorous and persistent it is almost brings me fatigue. I squint my eyes looking off into the distance not minding that I already acquired a deep gash in my hands from clutching the weapon so tightly and shakily. Recklessness.

One of my crew mates rested their hand on my shoulder, it felt cool on my bare skin. Was it meant to reassure? I didn't look back at him and walked on forward pressing my waist on the edge, still trying to find it. The hand left my shoulder, and I never felt it again.
I felt as though this war is not over yet. Another wave attacks the ship, sending bits of wood flying everywhere. This goes on for what seems like agonizing hours, but I pull through. A figure is finally distinguishable and I ask myself, did the harpoon manage to slay as intended?

~

It went on like it felt that way at least. Wasted time when I could have just listened to either that voice in my head to abandon ship or to that cooling hand on my shoulder telling me to let go and just relax, there's a safer place in the other direction, why don't you just turn the wheel and we can forget about this all?

It turns out that while I was too busy trying to 'slay that beast' I ended up slaying myself instead. I thought too much, I thought too little.

If I had only looked behind me and acknowledged that hand, that helping hand answering to my Mayday situation, everything would've been a lot less complicated and easier to dealt with.
The hand had left my shoulder and stood there with one last and final goodbye. The crew wanted to leave to a more tranquil place, to leave this destructive and noisy place where every moment feels tantalizing. But that one faithful crew member stayed and wanted to see if the 'captain' would go with them. He didn't want to leave me behind despite the saying, 'the captain goes down with his ship'. But I didn't listen. With one last final look of sadness and remorse, the final crew member turned away and jumped into the last escape boat and paddled away far into peace and sunlight.

Then again I didn't listen to abandon ship at the most crucial time. I didn't jump overboard into the crashing waves that would've destroyed me if I plunged in. Who was that voice? Isn't it obvious?

~

The facts and deep philosophical thoughts of life had come streaming into my mind as tears down my eyes into the heavy, yet calming warm water from the familiar shower head.

Many realizations came to mind and I do not wish to forget it, but remember all that I thought because it is true. Wish I had this knowledge that was somehow buried in my mind that I have dug up again from before. Would've been useful in my situation. But that moment has passed now.

I blink in there, were those thoughts really real? Or were they just an aberration of the mind?
Everything is so complex that I pray about it, which is the initial response which I should have done in the first place.

~

After a while, I finally figured it out. It was late timing, but I am thankful that it was better late than never.

The harpoon missed the whale by the way. It was close to its skin, but missed and passed by beside it and ended up jamming into the rock in which it can never be reclaimed. This was the result of the lack of understanding and concentration. The lack of guidance, the lack of prayer.
I had ended up alone instead on that ship, the storm still ongoing but without my supporting crew members to try and comfort me. They have all left me be.

Now, well I have learned many lessons and am thankful for this opportunity that will better prepare me for all the other difficulties to come.

I had spoken on this message a while ago, on difficulties. It was an inspiring time, where spirits are high and joy is evident.

There's always going to be something like this coming my way, can't stop it, it's nature. But true success on it is not the time frame in which you make it right away or the result on which you seek. But how you get there, how you get through the situations and how you handle them.
And sometimes, it's not going to go your way. But even though they knock you down, still remember not to break because those are the moments you are going to remember most. And when you do, you'll keep going.

Be strong, keep holding on, learn. And most importantly. Pray.

~

In time, I turned out fine. I'm okay right now aren't I? Happy and not burdensome writing this blog post.
Although I know I can't take back the time spent staying on that ship. But I can take the knowledge acquired and use it for something better that will come in which I proclaim.
I won't spend so much time in that ship of sorrow, battling things all by myself and waiting for the harpoon to hit. But know when it is time to let go, let loose, and find myself and my heart waiting for me some place where there is white sand, blue skies, and gentle waves coming on and off the shore.

Even if it is not where my map takes me. Even if it is not where people say I should go.
I look to my compass, and see that its spinning wildly unsure of where to go, sometimes how my mind is.

Then I look up to the stars, blinking brightly, constant in position every night ready to help me find my way with its carefully placed out constellations and directions.

Of course. He's there too.

Not in the violent loud winds or the powerful pushing waters. But in the stillness, the calmness and the quiet.

“Save me, O God, for the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold; I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me. I am worn out calling for help; my throat is parched…My eyes fail, looking for my God.” Psalm 69:1-3

I take in a deep breath of fresh air as I had washed into the shore. I am here. I am safe now. I stop trying to find the answers by myself and just relax everything.

The light breeze cools my face unlike the harsh wind. Everything is still. Quiet.

I pray.

Opening my eyes I spot figures in the distance coming toward me.

My crew has returned.