But it happens all the time. From the leaves changing from green to brown, yellow, orange, and red. Then the trees being covered in snow, bare without leaves. Then during the spring, sprouting up flowers, grass, leaves. The sun comes out shining brightly, coming out of the clouds that had kept them hidden for a while. It gets hot, then cools of a again. Repeat.
Change.
I'm not sure if I like it. But it happens. Too much change can definitely get to you. If it's something that you're not used to or very uncomfortable doing.
I've been to multiple schools already. Always had to make new friends, new teachers, new reputations, new grade, new personality. It's so difficult.
The longest I've probably been to a school is 4 years. Not kidding. From nursery (when I was 2) till grade 1, was 4 years for me. Then transferred again for grade 2. Then moved COUNTRIES, one school for grade 3 and 4. Then another one for grade 5. Then another for grade 6, 7, 8, 9.
4 years.
And now I'm doing self study. That's difficult as well. But I'm still enrolled in the same school and I'm not sure if I like it.
Maybe I should've just transferred again. It's actually killing me somehow.
I miss being able to have classes and go to school and pay attention to teachers. Getting homework, then finishing it in school so I don't have to do it at home. I miss hanging out with friends.
Life. Is. So. Tough.
I'm sitting here trying to relax from stress by typing on my laptop blogging away while there is a rainstorm going outside. Thunder.
I finished making lists of things I had to do tomorrow. The rain is constantly pouring and sometimes the lights flicker on and off.
I feel my health deteriorating from lack of sleep and food. And a social life.
Plus, my relationship with God is kind of .... woosh.
Not liking my life at the moment. Maybe I need to pray.
Gosh, so many things are going on. Overdue assignments, tests, quizzes, extra activities.
My lack in faith and trust.
Relationships are kind of going down the drain as well.
Haven't been to church in a while. I miss it.
I wish that I was a child again. Wishing that I was back in my 7 year old self, watching television all the time, playing in the playground, colouring my kim possible colouring book with my brand new crayons with disney characters carved on the top.
Good times. Not having to worry about anything.
Dreams. When I go to sleep I enter a world that is just me and I feel at peace. During the night, I think about a lot of things and I get peaceful.
Relief. Thanks God.
I think I should go to sleep now considering it is just about 3am and I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow. It is not fun to be completely busy all the time, trying to fulfill many tasks.
I'm not ahead of things anymore as I used to be. I'm not perfect.
I somehow think I am growing up as well, facing the issues and challenges of life and reacting in a way that I don't usually do. I'm now thinking about life ahead, the future, and other things besides shopping, boys, pleasing others. It's weird how a 5hr long drive, lying down in the backseat, watching the raindrops race themselves down the window in the dark night filled with city lights can stimulate thinking and change things just like that.
Gone. I think I'm finally growing up. A lot of thinking is involved in this blogpost. A lot. Do you realize that I have mentioned the phrase "I think" a lot. Odd.
I'm not sure anymore either. About what I thought life was going to be like. I'd rather relax. Though it is not practical. Thanks J, you altered my thinking at things.
But I don't like it.
-Jane.
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